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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23416603">As Sure As The Sun</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/NDF/pseuds/NDF'>NDF</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Be Quiet and Drive [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The L Word (TV 2004)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Action &amp; Romance, Angst, F/F, Mercenaries, Sexual Content, Street Racing</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 08:56:08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>40,967</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23416603</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/NDF/pseuds/NDF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>She looks the same, she feels the same. but who is she really? Will Shane and Carmen be able to find what they lost?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Shane McCutcheon/Carmen de la Pica Morales</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Be Quiet and Drive [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/793512</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>As Sure As The Sun</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>As sure as the sun</p><p> </p><p>I remember pieces of things. I remember a lot of erotic things. Very intense things. All with one person. A woman. I suspect that I am gay. Which is fine. Except what if I’m straight? They tell me that I have a son. And I don’t remember being with a man…but I do remember high school biology and I know what it takes to make a baby. I have a son, but I don’t remember giving birth to him. I remember getting shot. That white-hot burning feeling…then cold…then nothing.</p><p> </p><p>They tell me that I have visitor and I’m tired and all I want to do is sleep. I don’t know my son’s name. I don’t have a picture to his face. I remember a lot of sexual things…all with this woman. The woman from deep sleep dreams…she is beautiful thin…strong…funny…we make love a lot. This is all very complex. I have a son and I am in love with a woman…I have a bullet hole on my left breast. I wonder what kind of life I lead?</p><p> </p><p>Jimmie tells me that I need rest. He is not a doctor and he doesn’t feel like a friend. I asked him two days ago when I could see my son…I told him maybe he would trigger something. He tells me soon. He gives me that there, there pat on my shoulder….and I am so tired so I sleep some more….and I do sleep but I dream more…and the dreams are always the same…that woman…my phantom lover…she has green eyes and a motorcycle….</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Can I see her now?” I asked</p><p> </p><p>“Sure Shane…go on in…” Jimmie says</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I walk into her room and it’ more like an atrium. The room is bathed in light. White walls…tall glass ceiling...Sky…… light to see the world. You look straight up and see the scaffolding…you look closer and see it’s just a simulation of the sky…you wonder just what kind of private firm was this? You pause, your woman is here alive…. you still can’t believe it.</p><p> </p><p>She is resting comfortably. She has on nice plain white pajamas.  There is a seat next to her. And I sit down in it. I touch her hand…feeling that familiar feel of her. I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding. There is huge chunk of me not quite believing this happening. I place my hand on her forehead and smooth away some errand strands of hair. I run my hand along her face…along her lips. So smooth and soft.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Carmen?”</p><p> </p><p>“Umm...”</p><p> </p><p>“Carmen…wake up…”</p><p> </p><p>“Nnnnnh”</p><p> </p><p>“Carmen…I am here…”</p><p> </p><p>She pulls me down to her mouth her eyes are closed she is dreaming…. She kisses me like she uses to when she was half asleep. It’s then that I believe…I know…I remember. They say a kiss is just a kiss. but they have never kissed Carmen…Her mouth was the best thing about her…It said the words I wanted to hear, it smiled the smile I wanted to see…it gave the pleasures I’ve never really known before….</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>She gets up like a bolt of lightning….</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Oh my god! Who are you? Are you real?”</p><p> </p><p>“Carmen…. you don’t remember me…but we know each other…. Shane…I’m Shane…”</p><p> </p><p>“You’re the woman from my dreams…I dream about you…. Shane…”</p><p> </p><p>“I thought you were dead…. god I missed you…Carmen…”</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t know…you…but I feel like I do…. when we did that…when we kissed…it felt so …so familiar...you know?”</p><p> </p><p>“I know…. what do you remember?”</p><p> </p><p>“Um…sex…lots of sex…. with you….and violence…. they tell me I have a son…but I don’t remember giving birth to him…..”</p><p> </p><p>“I have a picture….”</p><p> </p><p>“You have a picture of my son?”</p><p> </p><p>“Our son…it’s a long story…here he is a little over a year old…you named him….”</p><p> </p><p>“I did…”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah…you don’t remember that do you?”</p><p> </p><p>“No…Shane, right? Can you tell me his name?”</p><p> </p><p>Marco…Nate Morales…”</p><p> </p><p>“You wanted to call him Nate…”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah …. how……. did you?”</p><p> </p><p>“They come and go…and I can’t piece them together…. Is that him…and you…your parents?”</p><p> </p><p>“No friends…you don’t remember them?”</p><p> </p><p>“No…. he is beautiful…”</p><p> </p><p>“Of course, he came from you…”</p><p> </p><p>“Shane? Are we in love…a you know, couple?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yes…”</p><p> </p><p>“Am I married…I mean who is the father?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Shane…we really need to finish our conversation…. Carmen, Shane will back…but you have to try to remember on your own…Shane…please…you can come back once we are done.” Jimmie says.</p><p> </p><p>“I will be back…here you keep this…I love you…”</p><p> </p><p>She looks at me eyes bright…they don’t remember…. but that connection is still there. It’s in her blood…. she looks at me her lips pouting…she didn’t want me to leave.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Not in hell. I can’t read minds. Can’t tell the future. Don’t know how I knew she was alive. Don’t know how I knew she was a cop. My dreams tend to be gateways into things that I was afraid of. I need a drink. I walk next to Jimmie. And we stop at his office. And he heads straight for the liquor cabinet next to his desk. He pours two half sized glasses with some iced tea colored drink. Maybe bourbon. He hands me a glass and I drink it down…it burns…my eyes water…but my nerves felt smooth…I needed a smoke, but I didn’t want to press my luck.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Has she been here the whole time?” I asked.</p><p> </p><p>“Yes.”</p><p> </p><p>“Her funeral?”</p><p> </p><p>“Fake.”</p><p> </p><p>“Her cremation?”</p><p> </p><p>“Also, fake.”</p><p> </p><p>“The ashes in her grave….”</p><p> </p><p>“You see that fireplace behind you?”</p><p> </p><p>I turn and look at it.</p><p> </p><p>“Why?”</p><p> </p><p>“Good question…you ask good questions Shane. An attempt was made on her life. We intervened…”</p><p> </p><p>“You mean Havoc, right?”</p><p> </p><p>“No…that happened on its own…we mean at the hospital while she was recovering…The Moon Lights were not happy about William’s failure to kill Agent Morales…so we removed her from danger…”</p><p> </p><p>“Why do you talk like a robot?”</p><p> </p><p>“Because it’s my job to be precise.”</p><p> </p><p>“I mourned her for a year…her son…needs his mother....... I don’t get it?”</p><p> </p><p>“Shane do you believe in chance or fate?”</p><p> </p><p>“I asked myself that once…I didn’t have an answer then and I can’t think of one now…”</p><p> </p><p>“Well me personally I believe in fate…but chance is similar in nature. Chance is random and fate is not…yet lines link them both…if William never ran down Miss Peabody. then you and Carmen don’t meet. But if you don’t win that race…then maybe Havoc would not have been racing in streets that fateful night…maybe he wins the race…you catch my drift….”</p><p> </p><p>“I knew this was my fault….”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, don’t think that way…it’s the past. We here and Landau, Lukman and Lake we don’t deal in the past. Or the present, we deal in the future. We knew you would return here having nowhere else to go…we knew. It’s amazing one day…you are living your life…reckless, passionate, having wild experiences all in the realm of your reality. You meet a girl…you hit it off…then she is not what she seems…but you don’t care she is beautiful…and the sex is amazing is it not?”</p><p> </p><p>“How do you know this….?”</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t…I took a guess….”</p><p> </p><p>“Jimmie…what is it you want from me?”</p><p> </p><p>“This line started with you winning a race. It led to William, to Agent Morales…back to you…back to The Moon Lights…I want them…”</p><p> </p><p>“Ok…I know that Roxy…she has a thing for me…and you told me she sent Havoc after me…”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, the structure of The Moon Lights? How they work? Well they hold tournaments in various cities all over the globe. They send out invites…all the locals all connected…A rigorous test…then they divide...separating the winner from their pack…once the strongest member has been singled...they remove the other figure heads… this is what happened to Curtis and Mark Wayland.”</p><p> </p><p>He throws a file at me…and the pictures are gory…</p><p> </p><p>“They did this to them? I thought Havoc killed them...I saw the news…”</p><p> </p><p>“No, you didn’t you saw what they wanted you to see...”</p><p> </p><p>“My house…Havoc blew up my house….”</p><p> </p><p>“No, they blew up your house…to see if you would pass…”</p><p> </p><p>“That’s what he said…he told me I passed his test…”</p><p> </p><p>“No Shane …He was working his own agenda...using them as a template…he became obsessed with you…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“All that Carmen told me about the F.B.I. investigating us…the whole thing with the D.E.A…?”</p><p> </p><p>“Well… again…chance or fate…”</p><p> </p><p>“She didn’t know did she?”</p><p> </p><p>“No…it really could not have worked out better…all of our lines…blurring perfectly…”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s funny I was thinking the same thing…”</p><p> </p><p>“Shane…everything in one way or another is connected…fate…no chances…this Dominguez guy…bought in from Mexico… he won a race out there…William by way of The Moon Lights installed him as the de facto leader of both your outfit and his…essentially controlling all of your interests…Now think about his in a global scale…think…about all the death…the drugs…the gun movements….think of all the money laundering,,, think. Of all the miscellaneous crimes all being run by two people….Think about all of this….Really think about it…You can’t imagine the scale….because your life was simple…despite all of its complexities…the entanglements…one lives a life they think it the end all of their existence. But it is not….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I see.”</p><p> </p><p>“I know you do…you are a very smart and capable young woman.”</p><p> </p><p>“So, you know about Fast Eddie?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yes we do…but that is of no consequence to us….it’s honestly off the record….Ha…not that we keep records around here…but it doesn’t affect anything with us…you have not committed any other murders. We here are not part of the laws the govern society….”</p><p> </p><p>“Then why The Moon Lights?”</p><p> </p><p>“Because they are beyond the reach of society…”</p><p> </p><p>“This is like a secret government thing right?”</p><p> </p><p>“Shane we are a private firm…that’s all you need to know. Now you will begin your training along with agent Morales. Next week. Till then you are not to return to Bakersfield. We have a new place of residence here…and in the meantime you can visit with Agent Morales…”</p><p> </p><p>“Why do you keep calling her Agent Morales?”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s a force of habit…I’ll show you to your living quarters…an associate will accompany you …can’t have you wandering around here…at least not yet.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>We walk for another mile it seems…then out to this walkway that connects to the other building. Head up to the top floor and there are rows of apartments…mine was 311. I walk in alone and I love the view. Downtown L.A. I can in every direction. The apartment was all white. What’s with these guys and the white rooms? I push a button on the wall and these tinted screens come down in front of the windows…glare from the sun, I guess. Plasma TV…space, kitchen, bedroom…white sheets…A closet full of black clothes…jeans…my size, boots my size…t-shirts…work shirts…dresses…ha...all my size. They have been planning this for a while.</p><p> </p><p>Bathroom was unreal. Clean…warm water. Sauna, mirrors everywhere…probably watching…then again considering everything they have always been watching the ambiguous them as he called it. I stand in the middle of the room…look around…and smirk to myself…I was gonna be a secret agent for a while…Mark would have gotten a kick out of this…</p><p> </p><p>I grab some clothes and take a shower…dove soap, these guys are fucking thorough. Needed to be clean to see her again. It was a repeating thought in my head…. Carmen, Carmen, Carmen, Carmen…it’s all I heard into the background noise of my head. The more Jimmie spoke laying it all out there…the longer I didn’t see her, the more out of control I felt.</p><p> </p><p>I get out towel off and finally look at myself in the mirror without feeling like I wanted to kill. I open the fridge and drink some juice…I open the door and the handler Jimmie said would be chaperoning me. Was in place…</p><p> </p><p>“I wanna see Carmen…”</p><p> </p><p>“Of course, ma’am…this way… </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The woman from my dreams is real. I kissed her in my sleep and there she was…was she the visitor they mentioned? I feel like we have been apart forever. I don’t know why I can’t remember anything. I stare at the picture of Shane with my son and those elderly people. They seem familiar on the edge of my brain…yet they don’t look happy…she said something about me being dead. again, what kind of life was I leading? Why does this not make any sense?</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I stare up at the ceiling…she will explain things to me…I felt so like me when we kissed…like that was what I was missing. So much was missing…missing pieces…she said she would be back…I made a list of what I remember.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>    The woman (Shane).<br/>
Shane wanted to name him Nate.<br/>
Getting shot.<br/>
Random things…favorite song, movie, color….</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Flash of Shane and me.</p><p> </p><p>“Whatever it is you can tell me…………but I know you won’t. So how about you just tell me your favorite color and we call it a day.”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s green. almost the color of your eyes… my favorite color…….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Hey…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You came back…. what’s your favorite color?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Monochrome...”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I just remembered something…we were talking by your motorcycle….in some kind of parking lot…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah I remember that…I asked you what your favorite color was.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Green like your eyes…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You remembered that just now.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Yes……. why does everyone look so unhappy in this picture”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Well we all thought you were dead….my boy Endy took this picture…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I don’t remember anyone named Endy…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“It’s ok…. god. Every time I think about it, I have to pinch myself….my whole life was over…I was so close. so close to never coming back…I missed you so much….it’s like unreal…every time we get close…something just tears us apart….I make promises that it won’t happen and now it’s been twice already…..”</p><p> </p><p>Twice?</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“We must be soul mates…I don’t know how to explain it….I don’t remember much but bits and pieces…but when you look at me like that…I know….I know that things won’t keep us apart…Who is the father…of Marco…Nate…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“It’s a long story…. I don’t know what I can tell you…what you have to remember on your own….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>She takes my hand again…and it’s the warmest feeling…I can feel her love for me in her touch…. I feel the connection…. maybe that’s why she is the only thing I remember…</p><p> </p><p>“My little boy you can tell me about him…what is he like…?”</p><p> </p><p>“He has your eyes…your mouth…your dark hair…his complexion is lighter than yours…. probably from his father…”</p><p> </p><p>“His father…I don’t remember anything about his father…. I just remember getting shot…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>She looks away…I wonder why?</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Carmen…. I could tell you the whole story…I really could….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“But I should try to remember on my own…shouldn’t I?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>She nods her head. Her eyes are soulful…intense…she seems like she is always looking for a way out…I was staring at her…I think I’m making her uncomfortable.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You know something Carmen…the sun shined….I didn’t care…the moon shined…I didn’t care….I left our son….because he is so much like you…..I couldn’t deal with it. I should have stayed and taken care of him….maybe you would have found yourself…and come back…but it doesn’t matter, if you don’t remember anything…cause I am willing to fall in love with you again…and you might not remember but bits and pieces of us together but I never stopped loving you or thinking about you….you are everything to me……but at the same time I will not push you or force you to be anything with me…..As for Marco…he is a tough kid just like his mom…..and we haven’t left any impression on Marco for him to be let down by…he is a good baby…he doesn’t cry…he isn’t a bad baby…he is good boy. And we love you both. Very much…I talked about you all the time. When he couldn’t sleep, and I couldn’t sleep…I’d tell him about us…PG us…he is kinda young for the real us…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Wow. I don’t know what to say to that. Shane gets up and runs her hand in her already messy hair…I don’t remember it being so long…</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You know Shane…the more we sit here and talk the closer to you I feel. Will you stay with me tonight?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Sure…I’ll be right back….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>She walks out of the room. And I feel lucky. And I feel cursed at the same time. I understood Shane and her fear of us not being together. Of things always getting in the way. As it stood right now…I have no real tangible memories of us in anything but danger and sweat. Cleary an indication of the lives we both lead.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I asked the handler if it was cool that I stay with Carmen....He told me it was alright, but I’d have to sleep in the chair next to her. Which I had no problem at all with. I was on edge feeling like any minute I was going to wake from that incredible dream to find myself alone and unhappy. But as I walked back into her room, I blinked once, twice, three times and she was still lying in her bed looking at the picture I gave her.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The door closes automatically as I walk in. I hear this click locking it in place and figure I can’t leave. Which was great cause I really didn’t want to.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“They do that every night…they have a lot of secrets is all I can think.” She says.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah…so tell me what it was like when you woke up? How long has it been since you woke up? Do you really remember me?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Shane…I can only answer one question at a time.” She says this sweetly…no malice…she is not pissed at me for hounding her. I can look at her forever and never get bored.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Sorry…. pick one…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I first woke up three months ago….here…alone…My body felt really weak…and I had all these wires you know to keep…my body running I guess…Little shocks here and there…keep the blood pumping…really radical stuff to keep me going…and Jimmie was here…and he told me my name and the treatment that I was being given….And I told them how I couldn’t remember things….then I started having dreams about you…really intense dreams about you and me….and I started thinking about who you were and then I started thinking I had to be gay….cause the dreams with you are so sexual…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I knew if I checked a mirror like right now. My face would be all goofy.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“So, your dreams, can you tell me about them maybe they are memories of things…we have done.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“The dreams are not specific…I’ll wake up in one and we are kissing…. really kissing…then…your hands will…they…um…heh…you know…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah…we uh…. did that a lot…we actually did that the first time we met.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Really?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah what can I say…you couldn’t resist me….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“No, I can’t…. Shane will you stay with me…there’s no point in you sleeping in a chair…. I promise to keep my hands to myself if you keep yours to yourself….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Alright….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>You see the shower plan worked out well. She has this wire thing hooked up to her index finger, as far as I could see that was the extent of her wires. The bed has these metal bars on both sides to keep her from falling out of bed is my guess. I move the hinge and pull the handle down. She moves over to her right as I lay down next to her. She smells like a hospital and that scent that is all her. I breathe in deep missing her so much.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Still waiting on the dream to end but it doesn’t. I move down in the bed out of habit and I wait for her to wrap her arm around me. I feel her hand on cheek running circles…I wrap my arm around her waist, my head almost on her stomach…</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“We did this a lot huh?” She asks</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah we did…. you liked to curl the hair on the back of my head…you would curl it around your fingers…kiss my forehead wish me goodnight….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“It feels really nice…. normal….and what about you…what would you do to me?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Me? I would rest my head right about here….and talk to Marco….tell him stories…then you would laugh…and my lips brushing on your tummy would make you laugh….and…you know….”</p><p> </p><p>She gives me this wicked smirk. It predatory her gaze.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You know Shane….I wish I had an answer….you’re the only person I know….I just don’t remember anything but you…..and being here with you like this….it just feels right……what if I don’t remember anything? What if I don’t remember any of the good times, we had….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I get up and look at her. I’ve made so much about how I missed her…. how I couldn’t live without her….and the only things she remembered were vague images from dreams….</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Shush…. it’s ok…I don’t know how it’s ok…. but we don’t have solve this all right now…. come on let’s get some rest…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>She leans over and kisses me. It makes my blood boil…my stomach do flips….makes my head dizzy…I look at her…her eyes….The missing thing…the thing that had me on edge…the thing that was starting to dawn on me with sledge hammer quickness….Carmen was not home. She was the body…she was the soul…connection between us physically still here…I could feel it…she was hot molten lava hot…but the quickness…the charm…her…she was gone….and I don’t if she will be back…</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I wake up the next morning to artificial light. It is warm the light and if you didn’t know better you would think it’s real. At first, I don’t know where I am. My arm is asleep. Then I look over and see Carmen sound asleep and it all rushes back. I look at her for the longest time. Her face I scrunched up and I think she is having a bad dream. She is mumbling in her sleep…something I can’t make it out.</p><p> </p><p>“Carmen…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“No…no…no…she is not dead…no!”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Carmen…. Carmen wake up…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Hmmm what?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You’re having a bad dream. It’s ok…” she looks around and I guess the same confusion that hit me is now hitting her. She looks a little panicked till she sees me, and she seems relived that I was still here.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Shane….oh god…I had the worst dream……..this guy he told me you were dead….that is was just the two of us now him and me….he seems familiar like I knew him but…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Was he blonde? Big guy…muscular?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah…. he is someone I know…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah…that’s Havoc…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“That name….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah Carmen…he um………. he is the father of your baby…our baby….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“What kind of life did I have?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“A very complicated one…. are you ok? Can I get you something? Water? Food, I am sure they have food around here somewhere…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Shane…. would you really still love me if I am not me?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Carmen your still you…just details are missing…” I touch her hand. I smooth her hair away from her eyes…. I touch her cheek. She kind of melts at my touching her.</p><p> </p><p>“But what I am asking you, what if I don’t remember anything? What if I have to start all over…become a new me…. what if you don’t like the new me?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Carmen I told you…. I love you…I told you last night that I will do anything…for you. You the flesh, the blood, the lost soul…. you’re still here. And I don’t want you to confuse anything in what I am saying. I am not in love with your body…I love everything inside and out…the confusion, the doubt…. I don’t care. We can…. fall in love again. I won’t leave you…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I hate her.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Who?” I asked</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“The other Carmen. She has everything I want…everything I need.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Carmen she is you….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“No, she isn’t. She is gone…and the only thing is me….and soon enough you will see that…and then you will leave…and I will have no one….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Don’t say that…. don’t you fucking say that…. I will never leave you…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I grab her and kiss her hard. And she kisses me back hard. Its need and fear and all the things we can’t say to each other. My insides are burning…I feel like I am going to burn up if I don’t touch her all over. Her teeth bite my lips a little…and her tongue is desperate to get inside my mouth and I let her in. she pushes me down to the bed and gets on top of me. She unites her hospital gown…and I see her beautiful scarred a little thin…but I love it. I kiss her breasts…run my tongue over the gunshot wound…her nipple she moans her approval…we kiss again as she looks at me. She looks like her old self…I knew that look in her eyes…maybe this is all she remembers about us…cause it’s just she and I. no lies in how we feel at moments like this. No havoc…no life and death. Just us. Hot ready for each other more ready than anyone.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>She pulls my t-shirt up over my head. And sees the wound I have similar in nature to hers. She traces her finger around it. She sees the knife wound…. the scar on my chin more apparent tot her now that she is closer.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Where did you get these?” she asks breathless from our kissing.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Hey, you’re not the only one living in the danger zone here…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>She laughs. And kisses me sweetly. Her hand pinching my nipples and it feels so good. She kisses my shoulder her tongue tracing the circles around my scar. Her mouth leaving a trail down my stomach…Down…. She unzips my jeans…Down she pulls them down…Down her head disappears…Up and down it moves……Down...right there. My eyes, my skin…my everything…feeling that hot feel…the pressure of her mouth…her teeth nibbling scraping the right amount of pressure………. She remembered this part…And her hands find mine…And the light in the room gets brighter…and the colors that swirl in my vision…melting together...And I laugh a little…And she wonders why?…And I tell her that we probably gave some intern a really good show….And she doesn’t get it.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>My body feels like liquid…liquid fire. And want to give her some of my fire. So, I pull her up so she can sit on my lap. I feel her wet and hot sitting on my lap…And that beat that pumps in my insides want more of her. So, we kiss… And it’s me giving her what I know she wants…two fingers…thumb on her clit…And she is so wet and hot that I feel like I am burning inside...</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Look at me…don’t you close your eyes…I want you…to look at me when you come…don’t close them…this is the first of our new memories…this is me giving you what I know you need…what I know you want….No fear…Scream, shout. Pull my hair scratch, bleed whatever you want Carmen…but don’t you close your eyes…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>She rocks a little wanting her own pace. I fuck her a little harder…She has her hands… around my neck…her nails scratching the smooth part of my neck…. just under my hair.<br/>
She is moaning low…her breath hot puffs on my face. her eyes don’t close but you see the struggle on her face…I feel her getting  smaller…tighter…the pull…I love that pull….when it breaks in her I feel it…her hands get a little tight around my neck…but I don’t mind…</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>Carmen is sleeping lightly…. I tired her out. I pull the thin hospital sheet over us. I trace circles on her back and whisper things to her, thoughts, fears, and wishes. This woman is my life. She is all I know. The fear of losing her a third time…. I didn’t want to think about it. I hear the door click open and I figured Jimmie was on his way. I wait and I wait but no one comes in. I kiss her lightly on her shoulder…. her neck. She stirs ever so slightly. She meets my mouth with hers.</p><p>“I should go get dressed…take a shower…Jimmie probably wants to talk some more…”</p><p>“Yes…I should be getting out of this room soon….”</p><p>“Carmen are you ok? You know with what we did?”</p><p>“Yes…. it’s the first time I felt alive in a while…..”</p><p>“Weird…. we had a conversation almost exactly like this a long time ago….”</p><p>“Wow…”</p><p>“Look Carmen I’ll be back when I can…I love you. So much….’ I kiss her goodbye…and if she didn’t want me to not leave before we made love…it was worse for her now.</p><p>I walk out of her room and the handler from last night is still there. He has no reaction to me at all. If he heard us, he isn’t saying. We walk in silence back to my room and I shower. I stay in the water for a while just staring at the tiles. Carmen is so afraid of not being herself….not knowing herself….and I was afraid too….all the things that were her are gone….except for the way we respond to each other…I see her point…I don’t care….she is still Carmen….and I know she loves me. I can feel it in her. If she doesn’t remember all the fucked-up shit that happened to us…then so be it.</p><p>I walk out turn off the shower get dressed. I was starving…. she was always hungry after…she would bring a snack back. A thing like that she won’t remember. Man, I don’t know. The phone ringing on the counter snaps me out of my thought. I look around…. I guess I should answer it.</p><p> </p><p>” Hello…”</p><p>‘Shane…. had a good morning….” Jimmie asks.</p><p>“Yeah…. I uh…”</p><p>“Stop right there…I already know….it’s good for her recovery…she needs you…you need her…that way you will both be effective…hey come down to my office…bring Carmen with you…we need to talk…”</p><p>“Alright.”</p><p>And he hangs up. The handler walks me back over to her room and she is dressed. in these tight blue jeans and a tight white tank top, no shoes. She is putting on some open toed sandals. She notices me staring at her and she winks at me. We walk out of the room and make the long walk to Jimmie’s office.</p><p>I may not remember Shane…not everything about her. but what we did this morning felt 100 % right. Whoever I was Shane must have loved me. I couldn’t get the idea of her out of my brain. In the shower…I had to do it. I had to…if I didn’t, I wouldn’t have been able to concentrate for the rest of the day. It’s weird doing that when you know…what the real feeling is like, when you just had it a while before.</p><p>We walk in silence. The handler. Shane then me. I noticed how Shane walked. Cool, so sexy, cool. A swagger. Had dirty thoughts about her. couldn’t stop thinking about her and she was two feet away. I felt a little out of control…those nighttime visits from her…come to life. Oh, we were here.</p><p>Shane is in the chair. Jimmie is looking at me like anytime I was ready.</p><p>“Carmen I see you have your strength back.’ Jimmie says.</p><p>“Yes, Jimmie those shakes you have prescribed they have been doing the job.”</p><p>“Good to hear…. now this is a delicate matter and no offense is intended. I am aware that the two of you have an intense relationship....”</p><p>Shane looks over at me. I look at her.</p><p>“Do you think you will require your own space Carmen?” Jimmie eyeing me…I could feel him sizing me up trying to see where my head was. I didn’t give him anything. I don’t know why but I don’t trust him.</p><p>“Oh, I don’t know….”</p><p>“Well we have plenty of room for you to have separate quarters. We want you both as comfortable as possible. Sharing a room or not. It’s entirely in your hands. But know this…we can’t have you both running around here and doing what you did this morning. Your private quarters are not monitored. But all other areas in this installation are. So, you can share or not. But no more hanky panky in public area’s…. please.”</p><p>“No problem Jimmie…it won’t happen again.” Shane says.</p><p>Hanky panky? Shane is all business. Determined. Considering how she felt about the real Carmen…. she was more than likely willing to do anything Jimmie asked of her.</p><p> “Good to hear. Now I wanted to discuss your training. Both of your training….”</p><p>“When can I see my son?”</p><p>“Yeah when can we see the little dude?” Shane says.</p><p>“Well when your assignment is complete.”</p><p>“Ok. But is he ok? I mean is he in danger?” I asked.</p><p>“No, he is fine…we have him and the Millis’s under 24 coverage. They are doing fine.”</p><p>“Don’t worry Carm…John won't let anything happen to Marco.” Shane says</p><p>Who is John? I don’t know who John is.  The old guy in the picture, the friends of the real Carmen not the emptiness that is now ….me.</p><p>“What kind of training?”</p><p>“Gosh the both of you are sharp as knives…I was just telling Shane yesterday about the great questions…anyhow…let’s see, weapons, close combat, surveillance, interrogation, torture…evidence gathering you know the basics…. You both start next week. It’s going to be fun….”</p><p>And that effectively ended the meeting. Shane and I talked when we got to my hospital room. She decided that it would be good for both of us if we had separate rooms. I don’t know why that made me mad, but I was. She left after that. No hugs, no kisses, no declarations of love. My fear that she didn’t want me was becoming more of reality.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I think Carmen took my wanting separate rooms the wrong way. She didn’t understand that she needed to try to remember on her own. She is so convinced that she is in competition with what she calls her old real self. I didn’t know how she felt inside. I couldn’t judge her. every time I tried to talk her over the weekend, she would change the subject or try to seduce me. And I hurt her more when I didn’t respond to her advances. What she didn’t know was how hard it was for me to do that. I wanted nothing more than to lock myself away with her, but we had work to do. Jimmie made this all possible and I couldn’t let him down.</p><p>If not for Jimmie, Carmen would be dead. I owed him and I pay my dues.</p><p>I tried last night to talk to her, but she wasn’t home. I looked for her everywhere I was allowed. when I couldn’t find her in any of the complexes. I had to ask Jeff, the handler who trailed me around if he knew where I could find her. He told me to check the gym.</p><p>So, this is me walking to the gym with my handler Jeff.</p><p>Jeff liked football, long walks on the beach and chicken / waffle places. I figured if he was going to tail me around the least, we could do is try to have a civil relationship. He walks me over to the gym and I see Carmen pissed as hell…. sweating like a dog…punching …a punching bag. I tell Jeff to wait outside so I could talk to her in private. He gives me this look like you know how chicks are.</p><p>I felt like a gladiator getting ready to face a lion.</p><p>“Can we talk?”</p><p>“So now you want to talk…. Shane I don’t know…. I’m kinda busy now…” Punch, Punch, Kick.</p><p>“You are mad. I know you. I know how you are when you get mad.”</p><p>Kick, Stronger kick, Punch, Punch.</p><p>“You know how I am when I get mad. Who am I? Huh Shane? Who?”</p><p>“I think you’re putting too much pressure on yourself to remember everything at once.”</p><p>“You think so….”</p><p>“Yes, I do.”</p><p>“Ok…. who was your first love Shane?”</p><p>I can’t look at her…I already know where she is going with this.</p><p>“Ok…how about this one…. what was your mom like, your dad?”</p><p>That one hurt. She knows…. I have to stop. Because she doesn’t know what happened to Mom and Pop. So, I might as well tell her.... again.</p><p>“My dad killed my mother right in front of me…she was cheating on him…we were on our way to see the Dallas Stars…it’s a hockey team from well…. Texas where I am from. I forgot my lucky puck of all things…and Pop walked in saw her and whoever that was and I heard yelling so I run inside…and he killed them both…..right in front of me.....”</p><p>“Shit…. god... Shane I’m sorry…I... I “</p><p>“I know. It’s ok….your mad as hell your world is gone…you have a little boy who needs you so much…I need you so much…and you have this blank sheet of paper…I know…And there’s a voice that is pissed as hell…you where wronged. You almost died. You have a lot to be pissed about. I know. And sooner or later you are going to realize that I won’t leave you.”</p><p>“Shane, I want to be that woman you love. I want to be her so bad…. but this is me…right now.”</p><p>“Look at me. Carmen really look at me. I love you. Lost you, angry you, pissed as fuck you. I don’t care. But you don’t believe it and you have no reason to. But you will. You'll know it…. in your heart…………. I lived without and I didn’t like it.”</p><p>“Shane you’re the only person I know in the world. It scares the fuck out of me to be without you. I will try…to be more patient. But don’t ask me to not be mad. cause I can’t. Being mad is the only thing that keeps me sane. I have all these random images floating in my skull. And I spend all day chasing them, it is fucking feels like I am counting grains of sand…and they keep slipping thru my fingers.”</p><p>“It’s cool Carmen. I won’t tell you not to be mad.”</p><p> It suddenly hits me how turned on by her I was right now. Everything seemed to slow down……. Her breathing is heavy from her work out. She is covered in sweat, hair clinging to her…she is so very fuckable right now. There it is again that predatory look. Jimmie words…. remember Jimmie’s words. Not in public places…</p><p>She doesn’t say anything just signals her handler who comes out of nowhere. And he walks in front of her. she tells him to take us back to her room. As we walk out, I tell Jeff that we are going to Carmen’s room. And I feel like I should send a self-addressed stamped fucking envelop letting everyone know Carmen and I were about to get it on. Jeff and the other guy chat about some new Sig Sauer’s they just got in as we make our way to complex B. I was all the way in complex C.</p><p>Carmen slides her key card in. says goodnight to the handlers and tells them not to stay up. she closes the door and is on me before I can say a word. Her hands all over me. Her sweat, her mouth. We kiss sloppy, she bites my chin, her teeth nibbling on my neck. "I need a shower." She says low…heavy in my ear. she pulls me by the waistband of me jeans to her bathroom. I was swimming in her. drowning in her every movement. That liquid fire…. pulling me…. dragging me. She hits the water for the shower. Strips off her workout clothes…I hurry to get my clothes off. Get in with her, the water hot, a little too hot stinging my skin…needles feel like needles.</p><p>She pushes me hard against the tiles. And I feel her hands roaming…and I want to kiss her, but she pushes me away. She rests her arm…like a cop would across my chest…then I feel it the rough….the not smooth…it hurts…a little but not enough…to not feel good…and she is still angry and she is fucks me hard mean…no love…it’s ruff…a new dimension and I am moaning cause I can’t help it…and I don’t want her to win…to think that is the way to go about channeling her anger…but I come and it’s blinding and I scream out…she is giving me this look like she is sorry. And I know she is. So, I kiss her, soft, her fingers still inside me. I kiss her eye lids…her nose…I lick her soft lips…her chin, under her chin, her neck…. she cries on my shoulder. The water running on us.</p><p>“I know baby…I know…you’re lost in rage no one can explain….”</p><p>“Shane…. I am sorry…”</p><p>“I know baby…I know…”</p><p>“I don’t deserve you….”</p><p>“Yes, you do…. we deserve each other….”</p><p>She kisses me full sweet complete…. I love her…even though I am not sure who is.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>* </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Monday.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Left Carmen last night after the weirdness in her shower. We had since the first time we met (all those years ago) had intense sex with each other. There were times when it was wild, times when it was bloody (like in Dana’s house.) Times when I didn’t know if I was coming or going. Times when we went at it for so long that it hurt…but this in her shower that was something different.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I know she is upset. And I know she feels lost. But she was downright mean. Like she wanted to punish me for wanting her…or not wanting her or both. She cried in the shower for a half an hour. The steam making it hard to see. I could still see her, the real her even though she was so far away. And I told her. and she just smiled this weak smile.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>So, we get out, we dry off. I make her a quick dinner as she sat transfixed on the skyline. She ate in silence. Then went to lie down. I walked over to her as she stripped her clothes off to go to bed. I didn’t tell her that she slept naked before she lost her memory. I don’t tell her that she still shakes the salt into her hand before sprinkling it on her food. It won’t help. Because she just doesn’t remember.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I stay with her till she falls asleep. Then I made my way with Jeff back to my room. I told Jeff goodnight. No booze in my fridge, no smokes in any desk drawer or kitchen draw. I lie down and look at the sky till. I wondered what Hector and the guys were up to? I wonder if there was a fall out to jacking Dominguez’s ride? I wonder what everyone thinks about me vanishing off the face of the earth…. again. I wonder what Jimmie wants to do about Roxy and Sergio? I wonder what branch of government pays for all of this? I wonder if Carmen is sleeping ok.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Somewhere along that wonderment line I feel asleep.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> And the blazing light that woke me up was harsh…I get up sluggish and look for that button for the tinted slides. I do my routine morning stuff. and head out the door an hour later. Jeff is not here…a new guy Chris walks me over to the A building of this complex. He doesn’t say a work on the way over. And I was in too fucked up a mood to ask.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>We had five hours of boring ass classes telling us to not touch anything without rubber gloves…to call for hazmat teams if anything looked out of the ordinary…slide shows and how to properly collect evidence. The instructor chimed in letting Carmen and I know that it was part of the program and we were not going anywhere near areas of interest anywhere close to this.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I kept trying to steal glances at Carmen, but she was not biting. I felt like a teenager again desperate to get the pretty girl’s attention. 3 weeks of this, of class, lectures, dinner alone cause Carmen didn’t want to talk, didn’t want me touch her, didn’t want me at all…Jimmie telling me everything is cool, telling me that she will come around…acting like we are pals….the way Carmen looked at him…she didn’t like or trust him.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Imagine this weeks of this, going to the gym….swimming laps and laps in the pool, back to the gym, no Carmen to keep me busy, thoughts of her, missing her, wanting to go to her not knowing how, missing her…I look at her in class…she is right there…no hanky….no panky….just me alone in my head…what was I talking about again?</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Time it stops in here. The fake air, the fake sun, the fake plastic fucking trees and the watering can and all that crying moaning radio head shit…. I was losing it my mind. I didn’t know what day it was…no heading…no aim….no Carmen…she still didn’t want to talk about anything. Her day was fine. She was feeling fine, she didn’t remember anything still. No, I don’t want to have dinner, no I don’t want to take a walk…no I don’t need a sparring partner…no you can’t cheat on my test…what you didn’t study? What was I talking about? What day was it/ why doesn’t Carmen want me anymore?</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Last day of class. And we pass. That meant real training. That meant she was going to have to find new ways to ignore the fact that I was alive.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Hey Carmen…stop…wait…the fuck is going on with you?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Nothing…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Don’t give me that nothing bullshit…we don’t talk, don’t hang…. don’t…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Your rules remember. I am just trying to do what you want of me.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“We need to talk really talk. Come by my place….”</p><p> </p><p>“For what?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Goddamnit Carmen…stop being like that just come by…we don’t have any more lectures…please…?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“No…I’ll see you tomorrow…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>And she walks away. Click, clack, click, and clack.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Tomorrow we have hand to hand combat training.</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I dream about killing people.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> One person the father of my child. I want him dead so bad I can taste his blood. In these dreams he is taking Shane from me. In these dreams they are fucking. Like dogs in heat. And it looks foreign and gross. In the new dream they are walking together on the beach. They hold hands…a little boy playing in the sand ahead of them. In this dream I am drowning in the ocean…getting eaten up by sharks…</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>How do I tell Shane this? How do I tell her, what exactly is real? I dreamed about Shane for moths and there she was. What of these dreams about her and him, what if they are memories? Shane doesn’t want to talk about him; maybe there is a reason why? Maybe he tried to kill me to have her all for himself. And my boy…my baby…I felt so empty. I never even got to hold him. How do I tell Shane?</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I can’t find the words. I can’t find my voice. I don’t know what I sound like. So, I kept my distance. I studied. I hit the gym. I ignored Shane in class…which was hard cause she is so sexy with her pencil in her mouth pretending to take notes…when she was really writing something else. Nights alone in bed wanting her all over me. Nothing. I was jealous of dreams.</p><p> </p><p>Tomorrow we have real physical training.  I was looking forward to it.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>We get to the hand to hand combat room. It is white (no surprise), brown borders, floor mats and two wooden fighting staffs. There is a white line of duct tape. And Carmen is on one side and me I am on the other. Jimmie is off to the right. And our instructor who look like Sonny Chiba he is on the white line now. He is telling us that we have to fight each other. I look at him like he is nuts. He looks back at me like he is serious. I look over to Jimmie who is also serious, my head like a ping pong back and forth. I finally stop and look at Carmen and she is more serious than both put together. And there’s that look…that predatory look. She was marking her territory and I was so totally in the way.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“So, you want us to beat the shit out of each other with these sticks….”</p><p> </p><p>“Not sticks…fighting staffs.” Carmen says.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The Sonny Chiba dude bows to us. Carmen bows in return. And for the third time in my life I wondered why I couldn’t have a normal life.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>She picks up her staff. I pick up mine. She winks at me. My head pops up like yeah. And she cracks me one in the head. I see yellow. And if this were the set of the swinging Batman era it would say…… KRRRRAAAAAAK! She tries to hit me again in a downward like swinging motion and I block it with the stick. She tries to sweep my feet from out under me and I jump out of the way. she swings the staff again at my head, but I move at the last second. That swish of air buzzing right by my ear. her breaths frantic. She is totally trying to take my head off.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Carmen…Jeez…what…. the…hey…. fuck…Carmen stop that…..”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“No, you stop…fight me….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I will…. not …fight you!”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>She caught me full on in the ribs. Fuck! That …. really hurt…I fall to the mat holding my side…breath…what breath…I got the wind knocked right out of me…she walks over suddenly feeling bad about hurting me. And I trip her using her own idea against her. she falls flat on her back. Mad as hell as I get up and walk over to her. I stand over her. looking down on her. I figured hey she has had enough right?</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Wrong.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I put my hand out to help her up. she smacks it away and drags me down. She rolls over on top of me and takes her stick and crack me again like two or three times…I could feel that hot burning feel when your cut wide open. I taste the salty saline of my blood. And just stayed there. She waited for me to hit her back, but I refused.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You win Carmen…you win.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“No…. you fight back right now!”</p><p> </p><p>“No.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Fuck you Shane…fight me!”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“No.”</p><p> </p><p>“Goddamnit…fucking fight me now!”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“No…. I love you…. you don’t fight people you love…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Fucking …. lair…you don’t love me…. you don’t know me…..”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I know you…. Carmen…. I know you so well….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Fight me now...!”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“No…. I think you rather I fuck you right now.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I…. wan…. stop it…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“What are you so afraid of huh Carmen? Tell me Carmen…tell me…what are you so afraid of…come on Carmen….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Stop calling me Carmen…. I know my name…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“No, you don’t remember anything that’s all you keep telling me…I don’t remember, I don’t remember, I don’t remember……. it’s getting weak…Carmen.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Sonny Chiba and Jimmie nowhere to be seen.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You want me so bad…. you are in love with me…and it really pisses you off. You don’t know why…. you can’t figure out why you love me when you can’t remember anything……right Carmen….”</p><p> </p><p>“Stop it Shane right now….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>It was getting hot in here.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You love me and it scares the fucking shit out of you….you kicked the crap out of me to get me to hate you…your dreams making they are making you take leaps and bounds…just tell me what you’re afraid of Carmen?……..You smell really nice Carmen. Your so fucking beautiful, I love you Carmen….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You don’t make any sense…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Give me your hand….you feel that…that’s me…that’s my blood…you feel that thumping that’s my heart….it’s all for you….you…Carmen….Now you fucking tell me right now why you are so fucking pissed off. And don’t give me that shit about not remembering, I get it already….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I am afraid…. that all of this…you…that you don’t want me. That you want him….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I sit up and look at her…my face was burning…the blood was soaking my t-shirt…. I must be losing a lot of blood because I think she said I want him.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“What…him…who?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Marco’s father. The man. I have these dreams and there are vivid…like the ones I had of you…and you and him…and…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You have it all backward baby….your dreams they are fucking with you…..he wanted me…he was obsessed and that’s why he shot you…he was jealous cause I loved you. I love you…….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Shane……”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I don’t let her finish. I kiss her soft again. Because when it’s fast…she gets crazy. And I feel her crying as she holds my face in her hands. She is smoothing my hair away. We look at each other. and kiss our eyes open. I lick my lips and taste her and my blood mixing a strange cocktail. She takes her shirt of and uses it to try to stop the bleeding.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Ah baby…. I am sorry…. sorry you don’t remember…..”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Shane, I don’t know why…I mean I know why…. but I love you…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I love you more….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>And she gets this look on her face…like she remembered something….</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You said that to me before….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Yes, I did…….and I do. There are not enough minutes in the day for me when you are around…. I love you like the night, like the day…like brand new snow….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>She kisses me and its savage. And I kiss her and it’s sweet. In between her legs….hands pulling her track pants, fingers she wants fingers, mouth I want to give her my mouth., I win and her fingers scratch my head, they claw, I do it slow, so slow, and it frustrates her but she needs to learn to be patient, plus it’s a plus, that Smokey, hot feel of her, I could live down here if she let me, and I tease, and I please, and I tease and I please. And she screams, and she shouts, no room to run, no shelter from….</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p> We walk back on our own to her room, we are holding hands. My face still bleeding. Carmen seems more relaxed. Calm. She goes to her bathroom to get some stuff to clean up my cut. I sit and wait for her. and I wait. And I wait. Done waiting I walk over to the bathroom and I knock. Knock. Knock. I hear her. she is crying. Trying to be brave. Her sniffles like acid on my skin, I feel that bad. She says come in after the longest time has passed.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I see her and she is sitting on her bathtub on the edge. She wipes away the evidence of her feelings. I felt that lump in my throat you know the one gets when you try to not to feel.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Don’t cry…. Carmen….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, don’t cry, don’t fear, don’t feel…. you won’t die right cause none of this is real.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You’re wasting time thinking like this.’</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>She just looks at me. Eyes red, puffy. She has some rubbing alcohol in her hand… I guess she wasn’t done wanting to hurt me. I sit on the floor right in front of her. she curls her hair around her ear. she looks at me and pours the alcohol on a towel and cleans the cut. It’s on my cheek only higher like near my eye. It burns…. it’s familiar.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Where did you get this?” She asks touching the scar on my chin.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I used to be a street racer…. And I was racing this guy Johnny from The Outsiders…we fought, and he cut me…. you took care of it sort of like now….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>You can see the wheels of her mind spinning trying to remember all that I just told her.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Does this hurt?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“No….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“So how long have we been together?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Well it’s been like almost four years but really together, together, more like two……things just keep getting in the way………”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah I guess so…. did we have plans…dreams, ideas of how we wanted to be?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“No, not really…. we um we had a lot of things going on. you had that double life you were living…. you had a lot of grief…. for Helena and then we met, and everything was really complicated……is really complicated.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>She looks off to the side.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I think you might need some stitches….it won’t stop bleeding….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Look take a nice bath…. I’ll get this taken care of and be right back.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>She pulls me to meet her mouth. And it’s still good…like the first time…. she strips runs the water and I leave and head to the medical complex. It hit me that she was acting out her dreams…the thing in the shower…. we had a very moment in the shower. After she cleaned my wounds from fighting with Johnny, and my not wanting to talk about Havoc…. manifested in her thinking I was going to leave her for him. Her behavior foreign to me now making sense. She was remembering she just doesn’t know how to put it together.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>She had no reaction to Helena’s name at all. The Outsiders…. for all she knew it was a movie with Matt Dillon……</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I knew my way around and had level 1.5 clearance which meant I could go to class, the pool and the gym without an escort. Which was lame. Cause I missed hanging around with Jeff. He kinda remained me of Mark. Mark who I missed a lot. And I know I shouldn’t cause he was in on it with Havoc, but he was my best friend.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Yeah 1.5 clearance also got to the med lab without and escort.</p><p> </p><p> Jeff is there wanting to know what went down with Carmen and me. When he sees my face, he kinda figures it out. We talk a little I fill him in on the clean version of what happened. Jimmie walks in as the intern has that curved needle going into my face. Jeff takes his leave without being asked. The intern still sews me up. it’s a pulling burning feeling….and truthfully in a weird way it felt good to feel something other than what I was feeling.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“So….?” Jimmie says.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I know we violated your rules….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Oh no I fine with what happened today. We needed to know where the two of stood. That’s the reason for the exercise. But more importantly we found out who is the weak link in your relationship.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>He thinks Carmen is weak cause she can’t remember things in a linear way….</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Shane you failed today……. I am a little disappointed….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I failed?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah…. you can’t hesitate ever…. it’s not good for you…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>He pointed to my face.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Shane…. we need you to be a machine for us….and machines don’t hesitate…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“No, you are asking me to be a Terminator. And I am not a machine.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You’re talking this too literal. We asked you to do something and you refused.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You asked me to fight the woman I love…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Carmen had no problem with it.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Well Carmen is not herself right now….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I will admit it was a harsh thing to ask you if you admit that you didn’t follow an assignment…. fair?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah…it’s fair...”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Now you and Carmen…off the record…are you ok….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Yes, we are good…. just trying to help her…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“That’s good Shane really good. Anything I can do…. please don’t hesitate…feel better…you have target practice tomorrow…”</p><p> </p><p>What was it she said…? don’t die cause none of this is real…. what did she mean by that?</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I wait in the bath. Shane will be back, and I have so many things I want to say.</p><p>Sorry for hurting you, sorry for doubting you, sorry for loving you, sorry for being afraid. The water hot, the bubbles, fun. My overall sense of bring feeling better. I can’t doubt Shane anymore. I can’t be afraid of her anymore. She loves me, she loves my son, she will wait, and she is ultimately right I was wasting time being angry. I dunk my head under the water and stay there till I can’t hold my breath anymore.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I come up for air. And I think about what she said, who is Helena? And what is an outsider? The last time I heard that name was in high school a book by S.E Hinton……</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Hey…. you want me to come back later…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“No…please stay with me….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Ok….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Let me see your cut…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Sure….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“No come in here with me…. this tub is big enough…..for both of us”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I watch as she takes her clothes off. I love her body. Shane is so fit and sleek. I bit my lip…wanting to feel her skin on me so bad. I don’t break from her gaze…the way she looks like she was thinking me…and I was thinking her.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>She winces when she steps inside the water.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You like your water, hot don’t you?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You think the water is hot?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah Carmen the water is really hot….and you, your even hotter….in my head when I think bout you…the way you touch me…. I call you liquid fire…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>We are face in the water. She moved up more, closer to my side. She licks her lips, I lick mine. I wanted to lick hers…</p><p> </p><p>“Liquid fire…hmmm. I like the sound of that…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You wanna know Carmen what I like the sound of?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“What?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I like the sound you make when I do this…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>She is fast when she pulls me over to her…water splashing on the floor me slippery in her arms. I sit on her lap. Closer…so much closer. She kisses me and I melt…buttery I feel so buttery. She kisses my neck on the right and I gasp…more kissing mouth to mouth she breaks the kiss and moves to the left and I moan despite myself.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“That sound…I love it when you do that sound…in the shower when you’re not around and I need it so much…I think of you making that sound and I’m there….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>We look at each other. We don’t say a word. I see the wire from her stitches sticking out a little. I run my nail on it a little to feel it. She winces…and I kiss her to make it better. She kisses my shoulder, my neck my breasts crushed on hers…I move to left and she does that thing…her hand her fingers god is there any other way…</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I love you this way, I want you this way all time, I need you this way all the time, your mine, I am yours…Carmen... you feel so good…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Shane…Shane please, harder…. faster, there, god yes …. right there…god….you know, you know…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>My hands…I need leverage. I rest my hands on the edge of the tub. water splashes. Shane’s mouth on me I can’t take it…</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I can’t take Shane…please, please….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Come on Carmen…let it out…tell me…. tell me”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Ahhh… god…. Shane….”</p><p> </p><p> And I come and it’s good so very good…and she moves in me riding out…making it go more and go and go.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> We lay in Carmen’s bed tired drained. We have been making love for hours. I missed this. I missed her. I was so lost without her. I am staring at her and she is smiling shy…no reason for shy…but she is shy and beautiful and smart deadly…not enough words, to enough time…</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I am at the foot of her bed. She is resting her head leaning on the headboard. I kiss her toes and she laugh…it was her only ticklish part. Which was good to see has not changed. I love to see her smile; I love to hear her laugh. I love her.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I love you…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“And I know….I love to hear you say it….it’s hard for me though….sometimes you know in class I wanted to scream and shout how much I love you…and sometimes…it makes me sick having to say it….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I know….I don’t….I don’t want you say anything you don’t feel good saying…but I know…your still trying to find your way….I just need to say it cause if I don’t I feel like I am gonna pop…..it’s weird. I lived for so long with no commitments…. I was such a different person and then I met you….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Tell me about how we met…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Jimmie says I should let her remember on her own…</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Come Shane…tell me maybe it will help….”</p><p> </p><p>“Ok…um let me see….we met at a party….my best friend mark he um he pointed you out to me…he made a bet with me that I couldn’t get you to have sex with me…that night…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Oh my god that’s horrible…I was a bet…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“No…you weren’t a bet…. cause I saw you before he even said a word…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Did I see you?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah…. we um couldn’t get our eyes to focus on anything else…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I figured it was like that with us…you know over before it started…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Carmen you have no idea…. it’s complicated though…. cause you already knew me….you were at the time working undercover…a F.B.I. agent….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I am a F.B.I. agent?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“No, you quit…I told it’s complicated.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I know….so forget all the complicated stuff…what happened next?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Um I went over to talk to you, but you were with The Outsiders….and I didn’t want the hassle.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>‘The Outsiders are they a like a rival racing thing or something?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah…so I went to bathroom and there you where…and you dragged me in with you and you kissed me…. I never forgot that kiss…from you…it was…it. Was…devastating…final…I knew …I mean I guessed that you were gonna be the end of me…and in a lot of ways I was right”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>She looks at me hair a mess, face flushed…sexy as hell. She doesn’t say anything.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“So, I knew you. I was investigating you?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Not me…Havoc…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Why do you do that when you say his name…why do you look away?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Cause it’s complicated…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>‘Well uncomplicated it for me…be real with me Shane…there is a chance I will never remember anything from my past…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You don’t know that Carmen…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“And you don’t know it either…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Ok…you want real I give it you…the whole fucking thing…….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I tell her about her being an agent…meeting Helena at some party…tell her all I knew about her and Helena…how she got killed by havoc, how she went undercover to bring him down, how he used her to get to me, how she feel for me while followed me around, how we feel in love, how she kept it from that she was agent, how I figured it out, how I almost got killed, how she almost got even, how I stopped her cause I dint want her to live with it, how I killed fast Eddie, how havoc blew up my house, I don’t tell her about Roxy or the moon lights cause she didn’t know anyway, how havoc followed me to Florida, how she slept with him in an effort to kill him, how he shot her right in front of me….</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“So, this Havoc guy he is dead now right?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah my boy Endy shot in him in the head he is dead…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“And so, all of this is because he killed my girlfriend…’</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Yes and no…there is more but…it doesn’t have anything to do with you…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Tell me all of it Shane……… please…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Before I met you like months before. I won this race in the Mojave Desert. And these people who sponsor it they are pretty bad people…and it sort of set this all-in motion…they are called The Moon Lights and the woman Roxy she is the leader along with her brother…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“The Moon Lights…that’s who we are training for…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah…Havoc worked for them and …”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I get it now….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Complicated right?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah Shane very complicated.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“So, none of this…’</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“No, I don’t remember anything about a Helena…. it’s like everything before I got shot…it’s all gone…except you…your still here…through it all…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I crawl over to her…she is under the sheets and I am on top of her.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Nothing is gonna come between us. Nothing. I will kill anyone who even thinks it…. we are gonna get The Moon Lights and we are gonna get our happy ever after. You me Marco a family a real family. We are all we have in the world. And we all we are gonna need.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Shane…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“No, no fear, no doubt…. believe in me…believe in us….nothing else.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“God Shane…I am lucky to have you in my life…so fucking lucky….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The song repeats. The song that is us. It says our bodies…it hums our voices, our breath. The song the beats of hearts. The pounding of our blood, our sweat. It’s her and me, she and I, us. The only song on the fucking cd. Our eyes lock, our mouths lock, it’s hot, so very, it’s violent so very violent, we are there, we are there…we are gone.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I spent more time at Carmen’s place than at mine. So, when she asked me to move in with I did. It’s been six months. She doesn’t remember and we have given up trying to get her too. She is fine with it. We got some new pictures of Marco. I didn’t ask how they got them and neither did Carmen. Marco was walking…the pictures kinda giving it away…Carmen looks upset when she saw them. She wanted to meet him so bad. We were almost there. She took the pictures and put them in the draw in the kitchen. I didn’t blame her.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>As for the training we were done.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>We moved as one in thru all the exercises. We ran laps, shot all kinds of cool weapons, we fought when it was relieved that I was a better shot than her. she still kicked my ass in the sparring drills. I just couldn’t hurt her. but I didn’t mind if she hurt me. I didn’t question it. We were lean mean killing machines.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>And we were bored.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Jimmie came by yesterday to tell us that we were going to New York. And he wanted to show us our new rides. So, we walk with him down to the garage. There are rows and rows of cars. Carmen makes her way over to blue Subaru WRX 5.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“This car…it seems so familiar…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You owned a blue Imprezza.” Jimmie says.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I want it.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“It’s yours Carmen.” he says as tosses the keys over to her.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>She gets in and drives around the garage.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Me I look for a ride. I see a 360 spider, a Diablo, I keep looking. I see Nissan Nizmo 350 black with white trim………… Yeah definitely.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I want this one.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I figured you would. We had it made for you. All the specs you enjoy. Check out the dash.” Jimmie says</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I look and see black and orange lights. The nitro on the wheel……… a button touch. Nice racing package, nice racing seats. Nice.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Shane…. we are sending you both to New York. But Carmen is just back up on this one. This is the guy we need you to get. You go in challenge him put his car on the line. You will beat him. And everyone will see you are back. More than likely you will make contact with the moon lights…but if not they hang back to see what you next, it’s on to Prague, then Finland, we will keep taking them out state by state, country by country till they make themselves known….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Cool…then what?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p><br/>
*</p><p> </p><p>The Black Box</p><p> </p><p>That’s what the black envelops read.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> There were cars parked all along the street.  We were somewhere in the vortex of alphabet city. Carmen in the truck with the guys, Taylor and Hopkins, they were just back up. I was solo. I had to go in contact a guy who had a serious blood fetish, calls himself Bela Lugosi. There was a code to get in. It was given to me at the last minute in the truck. Carmen looked worried. They were checking to make sure no hums or feedback were coming off the receiver planted somewhere beneath my skin. There were many ways to check for feedback. The best one was using a cell phone…. you get interference you know that someone is “live”. But the tech guys at L.L.L worked double time to make sure that stuff like that didn’t happen. Use to be back in the day their small mic's... hidden in various places…but once they invented those cell phones they cause so much inference and blown covers...they modified their tactics.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I see the Goth crowd, chains rattling, nipple piercings showing thru their lycra spandex blood colored costumes, unreal this is so high school. I still couldn’t believe people never got out of that phase. Couples in chains tap the door. The slit opens, smoke wades out, words are spoken, the door opens. I look down knowing I was not dressed leather enough. I had a leather jacket does that count? Carmen chimes in my ear she wants to know if I am ready to rock. She doesn’t call me by my real name though. Again, you never know who is listening.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>” Hey Sunspots, you ready to rock?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>This so fucking stupid.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah Tiburon go”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You gonna stand out there all night or what?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I’m going in jeez…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I put my sunglasses back on. And I head over to the door. The door is a rusted wine color. I knock and wait the slit opens and a voice says.</p><p> </p><p>“Peel of our skin we’re gonna burn what we were to the ground.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>So, I say.</p><p> </p><p>“Fuck in the fire and we’ll spread all the ashes around.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The door opens. And I walk in. Its dark inside and there are red and blue strobe lights dancing back and forth. People In cages, people in various stages of undress, people drinking, people smoking, laughing, talking, dancing. There is band playing on the stage. They are doing a Gothic out cover of “Enjoy the silence” by Depeche Mode. There is a girl in the band and her voice is haunting, like she is singing in cave made of ice. I stand at the end of the stage totally transfixed by her voice. A waitress dressed like a Victorian call girl asks me if I want a drink. I order a glass of ice water and see gives me a look. She wanders off to get my drink and I light another cigarette waiting for the set to finish.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I look around checking for our boy. Not seeing him so I wander around. I get a lot of looks from both sides. Nothing interesting. Carmen chimes in every now and then asking me what’s up. It’s been like three hours and she is thinking we should call it a night. I head to the bathroom and I see a red velvet curtain and two guards. It’s tucked so far away I didn’t notice it at first. I see the guards and I decide now was as good a time as any to try out the knockout drops.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>So, I fake being drunk and fall into one of the guys. He is all what the fuck and I laugh and giggle and when he sticks his hand out to grab me, I use the dropper and down he falls, the other guy checks him out to see what happened and I use the drops on him. That gave me 5 minutes alone with Bela Lugosi. I check for the opening and I find him sitting with two barely legal blondes lounging at his feet. The dude might as well have had their hair wrapped around his fist; they were so whipped.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Now as for the man himself, picture that fancy French dude from The Matrix minus Monica Bellucci. I mean the guy was all dressed in red velvet. He had those mutton chop sideburns, the dark glasses, the complementary glass of ultra-red wine, leather pants. Yeah like a young Peter Murphy.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“And you are?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“My name is Shane McCutcheon.’</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“So, you are Shane……… Interesting.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Why is that interesting?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Because of the attention you get. I don’t know why that is.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Then we are of the same mind because I never got it either.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Where have you been? Word out of California was that Dominguez killed you for stealing his big bad monster truck.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I’ve been around.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“So, Shane what can I do for you?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I want your ride.” He doesn’t look amused and he looks behind me to see where his muscle was………. 4 minutes and counting….</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You walk in here do whatever it was you did to my men and you want to challenge me? Why?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I need to see Roxy.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Carmen’s voice angry in my ear. “Hey Sunspots, don’t volunteer so much intel.” That was her sweet way of telling me that I shouldn’t have bought up Roxy.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“So, what, I know what happens to people who get into your traveling mess of a life. There is a million-dollar price tag on your head. Roxy wants to see you bad. And at the same time, she doesn’t mind if we dent you a bit…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Well yeah I know that. So, you want a race or what? You win you get my ride and my head on fancy platter.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“And if you win.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I get your ride and some money when I sell off all the parts of your car. Prove my worth. You know fit in and shit.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You have a lot of guts……… Real tough chic huh?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“What do you say Bela? I came all the way to New York just to see you. What have you got to lose? Honestly if you think about it, it’s a win, win type thing.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Why this urge to get back into the fold?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I miss the lights…come on Bela I don’t have all night here?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>He looks down at his pets. They seem to purr at the attention he just gave them. The one on the right licks her fingers when she looks at me. I wink at her and she blushes. He asks them one at a time if they think he should race me.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“So, Mina should I race Shane or not?”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, Bela you should Shane is very dangerous…you like danger, I like danger…. even more….” Mina says her voice like Southern Comfort on 98-degree day.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“And you sweet Tina…. should I race her…?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You should race her and fuck her and kill her and race her and fuck her and kill her. And then I can have what’s left….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>That’s the last time I wink at a girl in a dark bar.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“It seems Tina fancies you….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“She can take a number and get online….so we on or what?” 2 minutes and counting.   </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Sure, we’re on sweetness. Meet me here tomorrow at 3:45 am. Now if you’ll excuse, I have seen about my men….”</p><p> </p><p>I head out feeling eyes on me, the address for the race was somewhere in the Bronx. Some street called Grand Concourse. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>New York is a very crowed place filled with desperate busy people. I liked it the hustle the bustle. Shane hated it. She thinks the people are mean and she didn’t like how cold it was gonna be when we landed at JFK. It was wild I have no memory of ever being here and Shane never said if I was, so seeing the skyline, seeing how huge this city looks yet small, I couldn’t believe they crammed so many buildings on such a small piece of land. We went straight thru no check points and we got to bring our service weapons. That was cool.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>A driver greeted us at the exit. Had that sign with our names on it. And I loved the tinted windows. I lean over in the car and kiss Shane. She gives me that look like not now, be professional and I pout just to get that smile from her. I stare out the window at the city. I ask the driver where we are headed, and he tell 89th and Madison. Shane gives me that hey fancy look and I don’t get it.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>We pull up to this building and it’s so very posh overlooking this huge park. Door man, marble floors very posh indeed. We head up to our floor and she grabs me in the elevator, and I feel that crush of her on me that I loved. She kisses me in such a way like she was marking me forever.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The door chimes open right to our apartment. And we are both speechless when we see it. Plush velvet couches, bookcases nice TV, stereo, end tables everywhere, fresh flowers. I throw myself on the couch and it was like landing on big fluffy cloud. Shane walks over to the bedroom and I teased her about how it was all she ever thinks about. She winks at me and laughed. I walk in after her and I see what she is so amped about. There is a king size bed, nice but it was the gun cabinet, the table of high-end computers, and other gadgets that she was looking at.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You and your toys…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Oh no baby, all natural you how I roll….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Shane you are priceless….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>We didn’t have time to site see because as soon as we got settled in Jimmie called  to let us know we were on for tonight. He gave us a bizarre address. And the contact for the backup. Two guys by the name of Taylor and Hopkins.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“No rest for the wicked huh Carm?”</p><p> </p><p>We were quick in the shower. The shower quickly becoming our favorite place. Refreshed, clean and changed into our black sexy spy wear. We waited serious, quite for the guys. We got the call an hour later and went down to meet them. They were all business, and no one spoke in the van on the way over.   </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>So, we get there, and this place is a real dive. I didn’t know what a crackhead was. Or at least I didn’t remember so when Shane had to explain it to me, she just pointed at this woman peeing right behind our van. Charming I thought very charming. Something I don’t feel bad about not remembering.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>So, Shane goes in makes contact with this guy who name was taken from a Bauhaus song…weirdo. I hear the conversation on the line, and I had to admit I was nervous. I didn’t want anything bad to happen to Shane. But at the same time, I was pissed I had to stay in the van. Why does Shane get to do all the cool stuff?</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>We hear the tap, tap, knock and see Shane. Smirking, happy.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Hey, you guys know where this is?” She asks.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, the Bronx, a long strip of road, very popular spot. No way it’s a trap too many ways in and out. It’s the real deal.” Hopkins says…or is he Taylor?</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“So, do I race him, or do we bag him as soon as he pulls up?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You race him part of the profile. You race him you win, and when he tries to take you cause we all know he will especially when you beat him…then we’ll get him. It’s good he said tomorrow that will give us better amount of window time to box him in. We’ll hit him high and low.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Cool…looking forward to it.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The guys dropped us off after we got a real slice of New York pizza. I don’t tell Carmen that was her then dying wish. It was too weird for me to say. I just watched as she devoured the slice. She looked so happy and in her element. Not with the pizza but with the bizarre new chapter in the never-ending saga of our lives. She couldn’t remember her life and to be honest nether could I. I can’t remember what it was like to not be knee deep in the shit with her. It feels like a lifetime since we met. I love her so much. It was a mantra I keep repeating in my head. Something along the lines of please don’t take her from me again. Please.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>At home in our new home in our new bed. Her naked sleeping, softly breathing on the back of my neck. I was too wired to sleep. So, I turn over and face her just looking at her. I match my breathing pace to hers and fall out without even realizing. The sun hitting me in the morning and the smell of fresh coffee let me know that it was a new day.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Hey babe…get up I wanna see the city.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Sure, Carmen whatever you want.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>So, we showered changed and head out on foot to walk around. The city isn’t that bad. Once you get used to it. We go to the park, Times Square…we eat real gross New York hotdogs…. which I secretly like but Carmen detested. So, we got her some more pizza. We took a cab and went to the Met. Saw all the cool Rodin sculptures. She was surprised that I liked his work. And I told her that I was a big fan and before that rat fuck Havoc blew up my house, I had a lot of books on him. The people in the Met scoffed when I said rat fuck. I didn’t realize I said it so loud. She just laughed. It was getting late and I wanted to get some rest before the race and check in with the guys. So, we walked back to our place it wasn’t far from the museum.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>We got home checked our messages. Took a nap. Woke up around midnight. Got dressed again. I gave Taylor a buzz and he said he would have my car waiting for me downstairs along with instructions on how to get to the Bronx. I hung up and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. The dark spots under my eyes long gone. but that look. The dead eyes for racing. It was still there.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The Bronx is apparently home to a lot of landmarks. The first movie theatre for Loews, The Botanical Gardens, The Yankees, The Bronx zoo, the home of that guy whose dog told him to kill people, Edgar Allen Poe had a home not too far from here and of course the birth place of rap. Somewhere in the middle of all this lies the Grand Concourse. It’s old and famous; there are a lot of art deco type buildings covered with spray paint. And a really rank looking park in the middle of it. The concourse itself has four lanes going north and south.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>It’s fucking cold out here tonight and Bela is late. It was dead quiet and way too cold for crickets and other night bugs. I was waiting on the corner of 171st just chilling in my car. I left the heat off because I needed all the power for the race. Carmen was getting antsy. I told her to be calm and that he would show. I see these red fog lights blinking at the bottom of an oncoming car and figure it was him. The car flanked by a pair of similar fog lighted cars trailing just behind his. He stops and lines his car right under the light of oncoming traffic. The other cars block the road so no one will interrupt our start.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You are getting this?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“That’s a go Sunspots….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Great now that we had our spy talk confirmed I could now wipe that smug look off Bela’s face. He gets out of his car and is wearing a red velvet floor length cape. I had to stop myself from laughing it was that funny to me. He is flanked by the girls I met last night. A car honks for us to get out of the way. No one moves. Bela takes out a stick from the trunk of his car and breaks over the hood. Me I light a smoke and stuff my nonsmoking hand back into my leather jacket. Bela then walks over to my car and the girls sprinkle dead rose pedals all around my car. I laugh and Bela is not amused.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You think my rituals are a joke?” He asks.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“On the contrary I think you take them very serious…. but that doesn’t mean I have to.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I want to inspect your vehicle.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Be my guest.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>So, they check my car. He questions whether I can drive a car with the steering wheel on the left side. I don’t answer him. He wants to see my nitro and I take the canister out of my trunk for him. He checks with the girls and they all agree that I have too much power compared to his ride. So, they walk back over and get a new canister for me.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>A test. Whatever.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Light it up.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Hey, Bela, we gonna race or what?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Light it up.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>He hands me a blow torch to heat up the nitro. He thinks I am gonna back down, he thinks that I will be too afraid that the can will blow up in my face. He thinks too much. Carmen chirps in, my ear on how we should abort and not to light the canister. She is yelling at me and I have to wonder if they can hear the static of her voice. Their blank expressions lead me to think they can’t. Having done this a million times I knew how. And when I am done, he looks a little defeated.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> The car is yelling about how he is gonna call the cops if we don’t get out of his fucking way.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Any other hoops you want me to jump thru Bela? Or are we gonna do this…the sun is gonna come up soon and you might turn into dust.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You are so eager, I know you have an angle I just don’t know what it is, you disappear for a year then your back, then you’re gone again and now your back in my city, you wanna die is that it?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>‘The more you talk the less we race, your city, you know the turf I don’t know shit, I let you change my racing package and you’re still moaning. You Goth people are all the same, whine, whine, whine, bitch and moan, bitch and moan. Get in the car and drive……………. Drive.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Fine…… You wanna go, you want to test me. I am not some lost whack job like Havoc, you will find much harder to deal with…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>He lays down the conditions. To the train and back. We follow the concourse east till we hit the 4 train. Then we turn around and meet back here. The only catch was we had to run against traffic. While all this was happening all over town racers in Bela’s click were being taken out. That left me to deal with Bela.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>So, I get behind my wheel having put the new Nitrous back in my trunk. He didn’t do a real good job of checking, because I still had the wet port installed. This guy was a rank amateur and I was looking forward to teaching him a lesson.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> As soon as the light goes green the race starts. The road is empty, and we are flying fast, the lights lining the concourse blurring flashes, flash, flash, flash, and the head lights of a delivery van blink in my eye as I swerve to the right. I get back in the lane and see that Bela is purging his tank, so I purge mine. The lights blink, the dash makes that noise that it’s ready and I just pass him as I see the station in the sky, it’s high of the ground and taking my eyes of the road just long enough to see a car barely moving out of the way from hitting me. I make the hard turn with the emergency brake and drift till my rear tires pick up the traction. I see Bela just getting to the station as I go past him. I hit the rest of my nitro and have a hard time keeping the wheel leveled. I love this car. The world smearing in colors, and I check my rear view to see the spike strip being laid down. I cross the light and ease down on the brakes I don’t come to a complete stop till almost a block away.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> But I won.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I make a U-turn and pull up to the girls. They are worried about Bela.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah Sunspots we got him. He ran right over the strip.” Taylor says.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“What about them? I ask.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Let them go….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>So, I get out. And I walk over to them. they look at me and they seem lost.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Where’s Bela?” Tina asks</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Bela is gone.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“What did you do to him?” Mina asks.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Is this what you want to do with your life, running around letting people control you, living your life for others….?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>No answer from either of them.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Shane don’t act as if you’re not at the beckon call of someone. Everyone follows someone, always guided, taken where they want to go. And right there in your eyes I can see the imprint of her…cause it’s a her I can smell her all over you.…….” Tina says.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>She walks away…. leaving Mina standing alone. Me I get in my car and go to the place I always want to be.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I get home before Carmen. They didn’t need me or want me around in case The Moon Lights are watching. Knowing Roxy, the little that I do it was a sure bet she was watching. I speed in and out of traffic feeling the high of beating Bela. I was on overdrive when I got home. I cracked open a bottle of Patron and waited for Carmen. The music was loud as I downed half the bottle and stared out the window. All the lights of the city, the smoke rising from the manhole covers, those grates on the sidewalk giving off just enough steam for the homeless people to keep warm. It, the world was a strange one to me. I grab one of those plush chairs and sit in front of the huge windows and watch the sun break slowly over all the skyscrapers.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I hear the elevator chime and grab my gun. I see the familiar figure of Carmen and exhale. She looked tired and disheveled and I was drunk and so very ready for her. She looked pissed at me.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> Uh oh. We have a Uh Oh over……no one laughed but me.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Heyy………yoooou.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Fuck you Shane….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Whaaaat…wah I do?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You know what you fucking did……I gave you a fucking order…. goddamnit turn that fucking music down…..”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Ahhh babe…you arrre muyyy angel. I wuv…youu…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Your drunk and stupid…. I am not having this conversation with you right now”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Yeah, I am drunk, and everything is all fuzzy, and my feelings were on the surface…but this is how I am when I win……I win, and I lose a piece every time. Wait why am I saying this in my head. I should tell her. She is so pretty when she is mad. I just wanna lick her, like a spoon being pulled out of ice cream…You know, that’s been standing on the counter for a little while…cold yet warm…Carmen she just stomps off to the bedroom. I still had my jacket on I laugh to myself.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>She is naked when I stumble into the room. My blood is roaring in my skin. I want to touch her so much. It is calling me, screaming go to her ….make her come…..she make you come….too drunk to move without falling….and I do…I fall down, and I am laughing. And she is standing over me. She is not laughing.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You know…. right...nowww…you loooook like the 50 ft woman….ahahahhhahha…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Get up….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>She gives me her warm sexy hand and she pulls me up. The world looks like it’s supposed to now. She is one inch shorter than me…. wow…. I never noticed that before.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You stink….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I luv you….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“That doesn’t change the fact that you smell like bar.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I knooow…. I stillll luvvv youoo.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>She looks me in the eyes….and she is afraid….and it makes me wanna cry so much. She garbs my face with her hands, and she kisses me. And my lips are all over because I am so wasted. My hands on her breasts and she moans in my mouth and it goes straight to my burning need. That’s a good one I think to myself.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The jacket, the belt, the jeans, the socks, they come off with her help. The world spins as she pushes me on the bed; there is so much room in the bed. I feel her settle her weight, she is in between my legs and I spread them more apart to give her the room she needs. It’s hot and heavy the need I have for her to move…to do something….and I moan my frustration. It’s awkward to be naked from the waist down and clothed from the waist up. She rips the buttons off my shirt…If you listen close enough you can hear the buttons rolling on the hardwood floor. She yanks my thermal up but not over my head. And I can’t see anything….and I can’t kiss her. And she has my arms pinned to the bed. And when she moves it’s at her pace. Up and down, her wetness and mine. And it feels electric. And if I could see my mouth it would a perfect O. My breathing short and her mouth on my nipples one then other. And I move down when she moves up and we don’t last long at all. Our neighbors if they can hear us will note that we came at the same time….</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I wake up and she is already up. She is resting on my stomach. How I can tell she is awake even though I can’t see her? Her breathing, she is mad. Still, might as well have this out now. Our first fight. Well not the first one but you know the first one since she lost her memory.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Hey Carm, you up?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“How did the thing with Bela go?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“They contained him and 85% of his racing team.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“That’s good. Really good.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Is he talking?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“That part is not our job…we did our job…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Ok tell me why you are so upset?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Shane that canister could have blown up in your face. I told you to abort. And you completely disregarded my order….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Look I told you that I use to do this…. you just don’t remember.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I see.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Don’t be that way Carmen. We have a job to do and it’s a dangerous one and sometimes you are just gonna have to trust me. Like I trust you.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“So why all of this? Why were you drinking? What was with the loud music?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“It’s just a ritual. I used to do this is back home when I won…. I am sorry. That part of me. I don’t know. There is part of me that just wants to keep going…. till I run into a wall or something. It’s like…. it’s like if I don’t do something loud or crazy…I don’t know… I feel like I won’t come down from it. I am sorry. I never really showed that part of me to you…. the only person who ever saw me like that was my best friend Mark and he is dead now. It’s just a thing. a thing that I do.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Look Shane we have to be on the same page…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I know baby I know….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Jimmie is sending us to Malaysia next.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Wow….that’s far.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Yes, it is.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>We stayed on in New York for a few more days. Just resting and walking and talking. I felt really bad for showing her that side of me. bad like when she showed up outside my door after the race with Johnny. All she wanted to do was talk to me and I bit her head off only to have her take care of me. I would tell her that, but it didn’t matter.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>* </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> We have a 20-hour flight and I am still angry with Shane. We were supposed to go Finland, or Iceland I couldn’t remember what Jimmie said, but we got the call and instead we are heading to some place called Kuala Lumpur which I found out is in Malaysia. Once we get there, we are to make contact with a guy who calls himself Achilles. Like the Brad Pitt movie. I can’t remember when Shane and I first met but I remember that. Go figure.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>We killed time in New York catching a baseball game. Something called a playoff game. Turns out that Shane liked baseball, I didn’t know that, and the real Carmen didn’t know it either. Turns out there are a lot of things the real Carmen didn’t know about Shane. Like the baseball thing. Shane liked the Mets. And I asked her why and she told me because they have orange in their uniforms. So, I ask her why that was the selling point. And she told me it was her racing colors back home.</p><p> </p><p>Another thing that I have over the real Carmen is the ability to make Shane scream in bed. She told me she never really did that with me, (the real Carmen.) So, I have something that she does not. Of course, this makes Shane really mad when I say the real Carmen. She keeps insisting that I am the real Carmen. And I have to keep on telling her I am not. I am the new Carmen. The real Carmen would have remembered that Shane’s birthday was yesterday. Oh, and let’s not forget Shane’s weird drunk thing. The real Carmen didn’t come home to that. I did.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The plane is kinda full. I notice as I look around. And Shane is listing to her music really loud in her headphones and it is pissing me off. I wonder if the real Carmen got to know Shane the way I do? I wonder if the real Carmen finds it weird to hear Shane yelling in her sleep, if she finds it weird how needy Shane is, or how much of a drinking problem Shane has? I wonder how she dealt with it? I wonder if she has hard time thinking around her? I wonder how many times a day they made love? I wonder if we do it more? I wonder most of all why is it I love her so much, but I can’t say it?</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I can’t help it. I don’t want to love or need her. But I do. I don’t want to admit that of course. And I have a hard saying it to her. She looks sad when I don’t return it, her love. But I do in other ways. Like when we fuck. And we do fuck. It’s insane how much we do it. It seems like we talk, we eat and then we fuck... and it’s only after when we are crashing down, when we are cooling down, it’s only then that I tell her how I feel.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I look at her and she is sleeping, her head leaning on the window. She looks so very beautiful. and soft and hard at the same time. That scar on her chin making her look dangerous. And I know that the real Carmen was hot for the danger part of Shane. She had to be, cause every time I look at that scar, I get warm and wet and hot. Like right now. Like I need to feel her mouth on me. And there is that insane want of her. I don’t know why I never get tired of it. And suddenly Shane wakes up like she can smell the shift in the air around her or something.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>She looks sleepy and she catches me staring at her. And I think she knows me well enough to know how bad I want her right now.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Carmen…. we…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I don’t let her finish. I take her headphones off her head and drop them on that tray thing on the back of the seat. I turn the light off over us. I take the blanket and I cover my lap. Shane has this deer in the headlights look to her. Like she didn’t want me to do what I was gonna do. I kiss her just building it up a little. She goes on auto pilot kissing my neck, biting it ever so slightly. It takes all my power to not moan out loud. I bite my lip to stifle it. She stops and I am mad.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Don’t stop….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Carmen we can’t do this here there are people all over the place.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Shush. I’ll be quite I promise. Please Shane…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I take her fingers and put them in my mouth. I wore a skirt, so I made it easy. Shane kisses my neck as she takes her hand and moves under the blanket. With her head on my shoulder it almost gives the impression that she is sleeping. She moves my panties a little to the left so she can get to me and she moves inside, and the pressure is so slight. She was moving so slow not wanting to make me crazy. My hands gripping the armrests, my toes curling in my shoes, her tongue moving on my neck the way her fingers are. It takes forever and it so catches me off guard when I do come. I was about to yell out when I felt her mouth on mine.</p><p> </p><p>We kiss for hours on the plane. And I could feel everyone’s eyes on us. But there nothing that said we couldn’t kiss. So, we did. And every time I tried to get Shane to let me fuck her, she just kissed me. it was like an hour later when I finally caught on to what she was doing. We kissed like how we wanted to fuck. It was really something.</p><p> </p><p>The flight attendant finally got us to stop. By asking what we wanted for dinner. I wanted to say Shane, but I held up.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> We land, get our bags, made our way thru the congested airport. All airports are the same Shane tells me. We make our way outside and to say it was raining is an understatement. It was fucking pouring outside. If I didn’t know better, I would it was a monsoon or something. Our driver holding a sign that read Kincaid. That was our name out here. Well Shane’s name anyway.  Our cover was that I was singer and Shane was my manager and we are looking for a distribution deal our here. I just went with it.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Jimmie didn’t tell us where we are staying other than to say it was in the city. So, we drive past all these golden palatial buildings. That our driver told us are actually mosques.  Palm tree’s wilting in wind. Shane just taking it all in.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The city of Kuala Lumpur is also the capital I looked it up. Our hotel had a view of these tower connected by a walkway. They are said to be the tallest towers in the world. I can’t figure out why that sounds weird to me.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>We have to have separate rooms for appearances, but they connect so it’s not a problem. We have matching Ducati 996’s in the garage waiting for us. We have all of our gear in our rooms already. We have to meet a guy who will arrange a meeting with Achilles. His name is Bob. And of course, his name simple and unconnected leads us to think that it’s not his real name.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Hey Carm, you think you can handle the bike in all this rain?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah I’ll be alright.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>She is in her room and she is changing into her clothes. I walk in and see her lean and toned as she slinks her way into her leather pants. I just lean in the doorway and watch her.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“What?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>” Nothing….I guess I just like looking at you.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah I know…so thin and all these scars…yeah you must thank god every day that you woke up to me and not some sexy super model….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Your right I do. I don’t think a sexy super model would have done half the things that you do to me…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Uh….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I mean look at you…you have got to be the sexiest woman in the whole world…those eyes, those lips, and dangerous and tough and smart…and killer in bed I mean the real Carmen must have loved the way you made her come….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Shit.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Why do you keep saying that? I thought we were past that….why do you keep doing that to yourself…to us?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Look I can’t help it. I don’t know. I don’t know what you, what you want from me?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>She just takes a deep breath. And rubs the bridge of her nose. She is topless and she has her zipper down you could see what color underwear she has…black.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“This is how you think right in your head. When you look at me, all you think is how I miss the way you were right?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Something like that yeah.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Well my hands are tied Carmen because we have had this conversation like 3 times already and I can’t keep telling you that I love you. YOU. And I get nothing back. And its fine cause I get it. I think I told you that a while ago. But I do get it. So, we are gonna do our job and I’ll take you to see your son and then we can part ways. Cause I can’t keep this up…I can’t make you want me or love me when you can’t stop referring to yourself as fake or new. Your you. But you are the one who has to believe it not me.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Her words hitting me like bricks, cutting me like dull knives. She wants to leave?</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Shane look I am sorry. It just slipped. I don’t want you leave. I don’t want to be alone. You are the only person I remember. “</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>She walks over and grabs me, her eyes searching trying to make me see something.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Then stop it. Stop saying that you are not what I want”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>She backs me into the wall, and I feel her smooth, warm, strong all those things all over me. Her hands in my hair grabbing me, making me hers. My hands on the wall looking for leverage. She takes me, my hand and she guide it to her hot center and there is no room in her leather pants. I pull them down a little. She is telling me in my ear….</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You once told me that everything we do is real………. So feel that, you feel how hot you make me, how much I need you, want you, how when I find you all I want to do is taste you and fuck you, and you scar me every time you say that you’re not real……..fuck me Carmen. Fuck me…. I want to come in your arms, I want you feel how real you are….fuck me …come on. Here…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>She takes my skirt and unzips it, falling to the ground and the air hits me, the air between us making it hard for me to think I fuck her, and she fucks me, and we come against the wall. It so wrong the way I treat her. I have to stop making these mistakes. And we slide down the wall and land in heap, her under me, and we kiss again and maybe one day I will get it right with her.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Please don’t leave me Shane…please. I love you. I really do. And I am trying.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>She doesn’t say anything she closes her eyes when I look at her.</p><p> </p><p>The heavy rain made it impossible to drive. So, we called Jimmie and he sent over a Suzuki XL-7. we get in and I let Shane drive. She was still not talking to me, and I felt like a jack ass. If we kept this up by the time, we got to Roxy there was gonna be nothing left of us.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> Downtown was very colorful, tourist everywhere, vendors and such. Shane had the address of the club we gonna meet Bob at.  We pull up and the valet takes the keys. Shane gives him a tip and he smiles extra wide when he notices it’s American currency. He tells her anything she needs to let him know.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>We walk in Shane hand gripping mine a little too tight, I don’t mind it. We get to the bar and Shane orders a bottle of Patron. I give her look and she turns the other way. She takes two shots before she even offered if I wanted one. Her eyes never made contact with mine.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“So, you’re gonna be like this all night?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Maybe.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Shane, I told you I was sorry.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I know I heard you.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“So….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“So what?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“So why are you drinking so much?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Carmen I had a few shots I am not drunk.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“So, offer me one then.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Carmen would you like a shot?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Yes, thank you.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>She pours me a shot, has the bartender cut up some limes. He leaves a saltshaker. She shakes some salt on my shoulder and licks it, the feel of her tongue and scrape of it when she licks the salt made me throb. The beat of the music in the club was pulsing.</p><p> </p><p>“So, you don’t you have a drinking problem?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Maybe I do but I don’t I think I do.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Ok…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Look you have things about you I want to change and obviously there are things about me you want to change. But we can’t do it now. So please shut your pretty mouth drink this…and stop bugging me already….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Ok. It’s like that.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Miss Kincaid.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Yes…"</p><p>"My name is Bob; Mr. Johnson said we can talk.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Sure. This is Esmeralda….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“A pleasure to meet you ma’am.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah hey Bob.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Please follow me...” Bob says.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>This guy does not look like a Bob. Whatever. We walk over to a table roped off and there is a blonde guy no shirt, abs rippling he looks at us and seems pleased. He looks at Shane really. And Shane is looking right back at him.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Sir this is Miss Kincaid, and her lover Esmeralda.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Thank you, Bob,…you may go…. please join me.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Thank you…” Shane says, voice full of velvet and other warm things.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“My name is Achilles. And you two have got to be the loveliest creatures I have had pleasure of viewing.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Is this guy serious? Shane looks like she is blushing.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Well we understand that you can organize a competitive drive?” Shane says.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Oh yes but you have impressed the Mat Rempit first.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“And who are they?”</p><p> </p><p>“Well they control all of the competitions in this country.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“And I thought you did?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Esmeralda....... don’t be so rude.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Oh no Miss Kincaid it’s a fair question. Yes, I do but there are rules. You impress the Mat Rempit and we race. Of course, a down payment must be made.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Of course,” Shane says.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Well we meet here in three days…you will give me 750 thousand American dollars, then you will be given the opportunity to impress. And then we shall race. Yes?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Sounds good…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Then please stay have a drink…maybe something more?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“No, we have other things to do. We’ll be back on Friday.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Miss Esmeralda you need not be jealous. The love you two have for each other is quite apparent. I only wish to share a taste. Maybe next time….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>We leave and I can feel his eyes on Shane.  And I think I’ll just kill him the next time I see him.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Webster’s new pocket dictionary describes jealousy as this: Resentfully suspicious or envious. I was way beyond jealous and I didn’t know why.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“So, what’s your problem Carmen?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>We are back at the hotel. And Shane wants to know what my problem is. So of course, I won’t give her the satisfaction of knowing I am pissed at her.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Nothing what are you talking about?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Back there with Achilles…. what was all that…you know the hostility?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Nothing. I don’t know what you are talking about.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You’re jealous.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“No…besides there is nothing to be jealous about…you are gay…right? I mean you eat pussy better than anyone I know….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“But you don’t know anyone….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah but …. don’t change the subject…….and fuck yeah I am jealous. You get drunk, your drooling all over that Brad Pitt wannabe Greek warrior crap he is doing….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You don’t remember meeting me, but you remember that Brad Pitt played Achilles in one of the worst movies ever made…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“But you liked that movie…we watched it together….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Yes we did….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Stop that…stop doing that uncaring unfeeling cool brooding thing…it makes me want to punch you….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“So, punch me…wouldn’t be the first time…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You want him…you wanna fuck him. that guy…?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Carmen you’re fucking crazy. I was playing along….part of the act…remember our job.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Nowhere in our job does it say fuck the guy with your eyes…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“What…. where are you getting this from?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Shane…. you and me…not you me and Mr. ab roller.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Again, you remember the ab roller, but you don’t remember me?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Stop doing that! Stop it. Stop answering a question with a new question.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Look Carmen I am going to bed…I need some rest; you and your crazy shit are making me really tired.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Don’t walk away we are not done talking…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Yes, we are…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>She turns and starts walking back to her room. And I take the vase and throw it at her barely missing her. She turns around and she storms over to me. Mad, she pushes me on the bed. And starts taking my closes off. Then she takes her clothes off. Our lips hard on each other. She grabs my breasts harder and I moan out loud. Her mouth biting my nipple her hand grabbing the other breast hard in hand. She moves down my body I feel her teeth when kisses my stomach. And she pushes her fingers into me. and I arch my back and I grab her head. I feel her teeth on my clit, and it feels so good. I pull her head up and lick her lips tasting me….</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>She looks me in the eye as she fucks me harder and harder. I feel like an earthquake when I come. She kisses me soft. Sweet.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“The next time you want me to fuck you…just ask.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Shane…I …”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Stop apologizing for how you feel and just tell me….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I love you Shane…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Good, I love you too…I love more than my blood red.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Look get some sleep…and no I didn’t want to fuck him…I just wanted to make you mad…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Shane!”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah I know…. you’re so hot when your mad….”</p><p> </p><p>* </p><p> </p><p>From bad to worse. The thought of promise, of accomplishments of understanding, you can now throw it out of the window. Once I get off this bike, use the eyes it will be complete. To say I am mad that I am pissed, that I could plant my fist thru ten fucking brick walls is an understatement. Stress, being on New York time, the food that stinks to high heaven, the fact that I feel eye’s on me wherever I go, Carmen’s insane behavior, the idea that she thinks I have a drinking problem, and now this, but before this. Before I see that Achilles is a bloody mess on accident bridge, all of this happened. together in this shit, Carmen and me.</p><p>So, let me flash you back to three days ago.</p><p>Carmen threw a 7,000-dollar vase at my head. At least I think the vase is worth that. Anyway, she throws the vase mad as hell at me for doing my job. I can’t figure for the life of me why she thinks I want to fuck guys. So, we fuck till we couldn’t keep our eyes open any longer. We have breakfast in bed. We talk or I talk anyway. We don’t leave her room.</p><p>Underneath it all I knew she was breaking. She didn’t want to talk about anything that cut close to her bones. It is frustrating. She won’t tell me how she feels unless I smash her feelings apart. When I kiss her when I feel her, when I look at her, I know in my head that she is Carmen. I can smell her and know that she is Carmen but when she speaks and tells me that she is not real, I don’t know what to say. And worst of all I get angry at her, and she gives me that look as if to say why are you mad; you know I can’t remember anything.</p><p>My Carmen, the uncover F.B.I. agent with the thirst for revenge, the mother of Marco. The woman I loved when the sun set, when the moon shined and all that other poetic stuff, the loving warm vibrant woman, with her dreams of the three of us walking on a beach teaching Marco how to build sand castles, how to surf, how to pick up beautiful ladies…. That Carmen, she died. The new Carmen as she likes to call herself, she is feral, untrusting, resentful, caught in the dream world that are her memories. And me I am just a piece of a past that she cannot shake, and I make her shiver. And I wonder when she will tire of me? When will I not be the thing she wants anymore? When will our nights no longer keep our days going? When will she realize that being with me won’t help her?</p><p>I don’t mean that. But I do, it was not life living without her. and the reality is starting to sink in. we are doing work for some black ops organization to bring down The Moon Lights. Not one minute goes by that I don’t question how this is all happening or why this all happening. The questions are overridden by the simple fact that I love her. no matter what she thinks she is. But I miss it the way we use to be. And at the same time, I can’t remember the way we use to be. I don’t even know what I am complaining about anymore.</p><p>The focus should be on the way we are now. The fact that Carmen is much more the aggressor in the bedroom, the fact that she was the aggressor in every aspect of our relationship. It was time to wave goodbye to what we were. Maybe she has a point; maybe I have been punishing her for not being the way she used to be. This thought occurred to me Friday afternoon.</p><p>We got back from site seeing. And we were tired and hungry, she ordered some room service and went to take a shower. I was waiting for her and I got tired and knocked on her door just as she was walking in the shower.</p><p>“Hey can we talk?”</p><p>“Sure….”</p><p>“Ok so I have been thinking….”</p><p>“Shane please if it’s bad just tell me.”</p><p>“No it’s not bad….the thing is that….I haven’t been fair to you….and fuck….Ok I have not been fair in telling you to be honest with me when I haven’t been honest with you….well actually with the way I react to you…and …..I am just going to say it. I told you that I love you and I mean that. I do. At the same time, I told you that we can start over and that the past is just that. But it hit me today that I wasn’t being honest with myself. I have been punishing you for not remembering how we use to be. And …. not really understanding why you refer to yourself as the new Carmen. before Havoc shot you, we were at the best place in our love for each other……and I miss that, and it’s selfish the way I have been treating you. And I am sorry. And I promise that I won’t leave you. I don’t know why I said that to you the other day….”</p><p>“We just keep going around and, round don’t we?”</p><p>“Yeah we do…”</p><p>“Shane….no more about how we use to be. It’s a sad and fucked up thing what happened. But the connection with us it’s still here…I feel it whenever I look at you or when you look at me…. somehow under all the crazy shit it’s still here….”</p><p>“You are right baby…no more about how we use to be….”</p><p>“Shane where did I get these from?”</p><p>“Those….um you were working undercover, and you had to let Havoc do that to you to prove your worth…”</p><p>“She was dedicated…”</p><p>“Yeah she was…. but you are too….”</p><p>She smiled at me as she got into the shower. I was lucky….at least she still wanted me. She could have always said she didn’t.</p><p>Bob meets us downstairs in the hotel bar. He is carrying a silver suitcase. He sets it on the table by Carmen’s feet. And he walks away. We take the case back up to our room. Carmen looks nervous like she didn’t want to open it, so I did. Click, it opens, and the stacks of neat crisp bills all lined up nice and proper. It was time to get ready. I went to change, Carmen changed, when we meet up in the hallway we looked alike. Blue jeans and black tank tops. We laughed and it felt good.</p><p>“I guess great minds think alike?”</p><p>“I knew you were going to say that.”</p><p>“Carmen you look so fucking hot right now…”</p><p>“Yeah…you too…”</p><p>“Let’s go get this guy so we can go home….”</p><p>Of course, we had a long way to go before we could go home but it bought us closer. Each person we caught.</p><p>The money is in a backpack on Carmen’s shoulders. I watch and follow as she peels off on her bike. She can still ride. It’s weird what she remembers but does not realize. I follow as she takes the turns just as aggressive as she used to. We pull up to the parking lot and see a whole group of riders and in the middle on a golden Kawasaki Ninja sits the mighty Achilles, I joked. My guess the group of riders were the Mat Rempit. We ride on thru all of them and stop in front of Achilles’ bike, he is the prettiest man I have ever seen. But Carmen doesn’t need to know that.</p><p>“You are both right on time I like that.” He says.</p><p>“Your money is in the bag…” Carmen says.</p><p>“Good. You both look splendid.”</p><p>“Are we going to do this or are you going to make fuck me eyes with my girlfriend all night?”</p><p>“Esmeralda…...”</p><p>“Actually, I know who you both really are; there is no need for insults.”</p><p>Shit. We have been made.</p><p>“Yeah who are we then?” Carmen says as she pulls a gun in his face.</p><p>Wow that was fast. I didn’t even know she bought a gun. This is going to end really bad. All the other riders had their guns drawn.</p><p>“Roxanne is not happy about Bela. She sent word that we might be approached by unknowns….so the two of you are unknown…I checked around….no one has heard of you…but Shane McCutcheon now that’s a name we are all familiar with…..”</p><p>He takes a picture and throws it my way. it falls to the floor and I get off my bike and see… a picture of me with Mark…. I can’t remember when it was taken….</p><p>“Roxanne wants a word Shane….”</p><p>Just then the lights in the parking lot flicker off and on. and this huge crack of lighting hits the pole shorting it out. Carmen smashed Achilles with her gun, and he falls over screaming about his face…. I get on her bike as she peels out of the parking lot. I can hear the engines of the Mat Rempit as they chase us onto the Seremban Expressway.</p><p>She weaves in and out of traffic and the rain was making it impossible to see. I flip the lid of my helmet to see that we are losing them. She was riding so fast the rain felt like stinging needles. We ride for a while just going straight, the road is loopy, and we were reaching a fork…. we think about left when I notice Achilles on the opposite side. He stops his bike and drives over the barricade. Carmen gets her gun and starts shooting at him. I yell at her telling her we need him alive. She seems to not hear me. And he turns to avoid the gun fire and takes a turn a little too hard, his tires burn the ground as he tries to hit his brakes and runs at 110 right into the wall. The sound he makes as hits the wall sounds like a scream then a thud then a scrape of grinding metal and flesh.</p><p>I look up to see a spray-painted warning not to take the turn too hard on accident bridge. The Road Transport Dept. was on the way. they must have seen all the riders. I tell Carmen we need to go, and she peels off looking rather satisfied that he was dead and enjoying the chase.</p><p>We get to the hotel and see a whole slew of marked people waiting in the lobby. We called Jimmie and had him send some people to get us the airport. We don’t say a word to each other. that fucking Bob he had to be the one. This is way too beyond us.</p><p>On the plane we still don’t talk feeling like everyone was looking at us listening waiting. Carmen looked like she was nervous, her palms sweaty when I held her hand. She snuggled on my shoulder and I kissed the top of her head to get her to fall asleep. Someone wanted us to fuck up out there but why?</p><p>We land at LAX and we were dead tired. Jeff greeted us as we made our way to the parking lot. I was glad to see a familiar face. He drove us back to L.L.L.</p><p>Walking through these familiar halls. Seeing the white walls, the artificial light. Knowing somewhere in my gut that this was only going to get more and more fucked up. that familiar door to Jimmie’s office looking more and more ominous.</p><p>“Ladies please sit, drink.” Jimmie says.</p><p>“Yeah I need one…”</p><p>“Shane…”</p><p>“Maybe I don’t need one. Jimmie what the hell is going on? How did Achilles know who we are?’</p><p>‘You tell me first…. why is he dead? You know…we....’</p><p>‘Look it was accident he took the turn too hard, he smashed into the wall he is dead…nothing more to be said. We could have been dead in that parking lot…Jimmie someone gave up…”</p><p>“Yes…. I suppose someone did.”</p><p>“That’s it, yes?”</p><p>“Shane we are done…this is all bullshit. We don’t know who they are, who we are really working for…this is wrong, you people almost got us killed. Your keeping me from my son, you did something to me so I can’t remember my life, fuck you already.”</p><p>“Carmen!”</p><p>“No Shane, they are using us. Blackmail something, something isn’t right, and you know it….”</p><p>“The two of you have it all wrong we are not the bad guys here. We are trying to do what is right. I am saddened that you feel we are not what we seem. And we are. But we here at Landau, Lukman and Lake are not malevolent. Carmen we took care of you, we are taking care of your son, maybe you should speak to the Chairman.”</p><p>“No, no more bullshit Jimmie. We want out. I was willing to this for you, but we need trust. And we almost got killed out there. It’s not fair.”</p><p>“Shane, life is not fair.”</p><p>“Don’t give me that shit Jimmie. Don’t tell me something I already know.”</p><p>“Look I can’t authorize leave. You really should speak to the Chairman. She will be the only one who can grant you your dismissal. Come follow me.”</p><p>So, we take an elevator to the top floor. And Jimmie knocks on this black door with golden trim. There are letters on the door. It read.</p><p>PP</p><p> Chairman of the board.</p><p>A crisp British voice says come in; the chair is facing this huge glass window. Jimmie leaves as we take a seat. The voice is of a woman. She turns and faces us. She is small with a short styled up swept kind of hair style, pearls, gold rings, and a fancy suit. I look at Carmen and she seems to know the woman. And I can’t figure out why no one is speaking.</p><p>“Ok…………. Who are you?” I ask.</p><p>“I know you. I remember you from somewhere.”</p><p>“Yes, I imagine that you do.” The woman says.</p><p>“Carmen you know this lady?”</p><p>“I do, she is on the corner of my head…. she is…”</p><p>“My name is Peggy,”</p><p>“Ok Peggy why does Carmen remember you?”</p><p>“Because Carmen was once very intimate with my daughter.”</p><p>“Helena…you are Helena’s mother?”</p><p>“Yes dear, I am….”</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>“You do remember my daughter? Well probably not………”</p><p> “Hey, she doesn’t remember anything….”</p><p>“Well not everything she can remember you well enough….” Helena’s mom says.</p><p>“You are responsible for this….?”</p><p>“Ms. McCutcheon please…. We are all responsible don't you think? Let me tell you a story….”</p><p>“No fuck you, fuck this!” Carmen says, gun drawn.</p><p>When Carmen pulled her gun and pointed straight at Helena’s mom I let her, cause honestly this merry go round of deceit and espionage and all this weird shit it had to stop, I couldn’t keep track of all the lines…Peggy Peabody was talking her head was pointed in Carmen’s direction.</p><p>“Will shooting me make it all go away? Will it fill in the gaps of your life? Will it change anything that has happened to you over the course of these last few years? No…. it won’t, now be a dear and put the weapon down……”</p><p>“Why should I?”</p><p>“Darling I saved your miserable life many, many times…. all for my daughter. She loved you very much…. I….well I did not care for you…..and sadly that caused the final rift with my Helena…..”</p><p>“So, what, this is you trying to atone for her death?” I asked.</p><p>“No……. well maybe. I have money and so much of it was to be hers. This is me trying to make things right between my daughter and me. When I heard of Ms. Morales, I was not aware of my daughter’s interests, and I never handled it properly. It was the worst mistake I ever made. And imagine my surprise to find Ms. Morales to be in the field of law enforcement, and my further surprise to find she was pursuing the man responsible for my Hele’s death. Admirable this woman……. You cared for my daughter loved her enough to avenge her…at the expense of your life, your career….”</p><p>Carmen was hard to read. This rich chic laying it all down. Making it all right. I couldn’t say anything it was honestly between them…. even if Carmen had no tangible image of everything this old chic was saying.</p><p>“When you left the F.B.I, I made the call to Senator R.J. Stone and you were granted entrance to the D.E.A., all in pursuit of him….I watched in desperate anticipation for his capture and or death….and you and Ms. McCutcheon delivered…..”</p><p>“So, you dug deeper and what decide you wanted to destroy the root of the people responsible?” Carmen asked.</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“And you had me taken from my son, from Shane to hunt down these people….in some sort of gratitude for seeing…..what, my character…..it was over….I got the man who killed Helena….why do this to us…why do this Shane…make her think I was dead? Keep me from my little boy? You had a daughter; you know what that feeling is like? That helpless feeling of not being there for them…. why?”</p><p>“Because they have to pay…..and because your so goddamned good at it…..the both of you……now you will finish it, you will bring them to justice, or Ms. McCutcheon will go prison for the murder of the man in the desert and you Ms. Morales. You will join her for your role in the deaths of the all of those involved in……. operation E-Race. And you may have no recollection, but we do………it’s not much to ask. Finish the mayhem…. set yourselves free….and retire handsomely with your lover and your child……”</p><p>“You got it all figured out, don’t you? Well what if I paint the walls with you instead? Huh? Then what?”</p><p>“Carmen….!”</p><p>“No Shane. I am not her……not anymore. Why should I pay for her life? Why should I? Why should my little boy pay, or even you?”</p><p>“Carmen….you can kill her….but you will never see him…..if we do this we will see him…..Carmen…look at me….don’t forget to be the way you are…..don’t let this bitch fuck you up…..come on…let’s go….”</p><p>“You know you should listen to her Ms. Morales….”</p><p>“Hey, I don’t need help from you alright…”</p><p>Carmen puts her gun in the holster on her back and she storms out of the office leaving me with a smirking Peggy Peabody.</p><p>“What’s so goddamned funny?”</p><p>“She is not the woman I met all those years ago….”</p><p>“No shit….”</p><p>“The woman she is now…. much more honest….and brave…..had I met this woman….maybe things would have been different.”</p><p>“Whatever…. for your sake…. we better not meet again…..”</p><p>“Don’t worry Ms. McCutcheon we won’t…….and since we are in the realm of veiled threats…I should say that you both better carry out your mission…. avenge my daughter or pay the price….”</p><p>We stare at each other for a few beats of time. She was serious, and so was I.</p><p>I run into Jimmie on the way out of Peabody’s office. He seems upset and I could care less. I am about to just walk past him when he calls my name.</p><p>“Shane!”</p><p>“What Jimmie, I gotta go try to calm Carmen down….”</p><p>“Shane please join me for a few minutes….”</p><p>“It’s not like I have a choice anyway….”</p><p>So, we walk to Jimmie’s office. We have a drink in front of his huge window that overlooks downtown L.A. The traffic flowing in that congested way it does, the specs of people living their normal speck lives. Carmen on the outline of my brain like she always was, like a fever. Hot, numbing, needing her like a blanket. Jimmie is talking and I wondered where she was?</p><p>“We have made a fair amount of progress. And you are aware that the Baja 1000 is coming up?”</p><p>“Yeah I know about the 1000.”</p><p>“We believe that The Moon Lights will approach this year’s winner.”</p><p>“So, I guess that means me?”</p><p>“Yes and no.”</p><p>“Jimmie please stop speaking in Krycek and just tell me what you want?”</p><p>“Well with the incident in Kuala Lumpur we feel we might have exposed you too soon….”</p><p>“Do they know about Carmen?”</p><p>“No, we don’t think so…”</p><p>“So as far as The Moon Lights know…. I just started some shit with their top dogs yeah?”</p><p>“Yes…”</p><p>“So, I go down to Baja win the 1000 and prove I am serious to them after all. I know Roxy, how she thinks…..she has only wanted my complete attention so I give to her, run some errands find what you want then I can go home with Carmen and we don’t have to see each other yeah?”</p><p>“Can you do it, be apart from Carmen? Do what Roxanne wants of you in every sense?”</p><p>“If it means Carmen and I are free yes…. but no bullshit Jimmie….know this, you have no idea what I am capable of, no threats, just promises. Fuck me and I won’t be responsible for what happens….one question though?”</p><p>“Shoot.”</p><p>“Why does this plan of yours keep changing?”</p><p>“Come on you know we can’t answer that….”</p><p>He smirks his know it all smirk. I get up and walk away. I make a dash to Carmen’s room, our room. Everything blurring and bright and white. Just another chapter in the weirdness of my life. feeling that feeling again that happiness and peace of mind were never meant for me. I knock and she says come in. she is standing in front of her window just in her underwear matching white. I close the door and lock it. She does not turn around.</p><p>“Carm?”</p><p>“The people they are so small, insignificant ……. but really that’s what we are…..everything we do is irrelevant……none of it matters….and life keeps on spinning……”</p><p>“That’s why we have to make our own universe. You and me and Marco.”</p><p>“We will live long enough…. what if they keep this going finding new reasons for us to keep this up?”</p><p>“I know what you mean….”</p><p>I walk over to stand behind her and whisper into her ear that we should not talk about this in here. Her breath quickens when my lips touch her ear. and there it was again that intense want of her, her hair soft silky on my face. That beat for her in my blood, in my head 1,2,1,2,1,2….3,4. my lips on the back of her neck, that soft part of her ears, the feel of her warm body so close to mine. Her hands on the thick glass for balance, my hands on her waist pulling her panties down inch by inch. That close smell of her drifting up flooding my senses, my well-being depending on her, everything about her making me feel who I was.</p><p>I nip and bite softly on the muscles of her back the softness of her curves, the sculpted hardness that is her thighs, her calves all the area’s that got so little attention from me. Me on my knee’s her body my temple, worship being a strong word but it’s how I feel looking at her, feeling her. She wants me to kiss her she wants to feel me, but I don’t want to stop this course I am on. I kiss my way back up to her shoulder and her soft moans spurring me on, I kiss her under her chin and she is so soft, I go back to kiss her shoulder, and she is so soft, I kiss her neck, soft, I lick my lips wanting that soft taste of her all melted inside me. She is desperate so I finally turn her around and our lips meet, how do you do, and it feels right like it always does, kisses down to her breasts thru her bra, down to her belly which was not soft but toned and hard from all those crunches, the tightness of her there making me so hot, and the hot slick feel of her, the way she gasps when my tongue does that thing she likes so much. I grab her hand and pull her down to me, she laughs and smiles that 1000 watt of hers and I am blind, and I can’t see anything after her.</p><p>She crawls up, slow just running herself all over me, my clothes giving her a feel only she can describe. That smokey smell of her, the wetness on my chin, my lips, me drinking it up, the blackness of my mind is her, here and now. She has closed off the outside world and I fuck her with my tongue and my lips, and she moves ever so slightly searching for that angle, and finding it, needing it. It’s muffled a little, but I hear her scream out……</p><p>We lay opposite each other, staring at the sun as it rises. We don’t say a word. She turns and rests on her elbows. And I know she wants to say it, but she doesn’t, and I am mad, but I don’t show it her. I get up to grab a smoke and she grabs my leg so I can’t move. I look down and see her beautiful hair a mess, only a bra on she looked odd to me for some reason.</p><p>“Don’t go.’</p><p>“I was just getting a smoke I’ll be right back.”</p><p>“Shane….”</p><p>“Yeah…”</p><p>“I don’t know…. I guess I just wanted to say that I love you and yeah…. uh that’s it.”</p><p>“Carmen I love you right back…”</p><p>I change my mind about the smoke and go lay down on the floor next to her. We just look at each other and kiss softly. I don’t know how to tell her that Jimmie wants me to go Mexico. That he wants me to get real with Roxy. She is not gonna like that at all. I will tell her tomorrow. She snuggles close and we talk a little about what we are gonna do when we go home and get Marco.</p><p>“So, tell me again what he is like?”</p><p>“Sure....... he has your eyes,” I tell her as I kiss her eyelids. “Your mouth.” As I kiss her mouth. “I could say he has his own nose, but maybe it’s Havoc’s. And he has a lot of energy. And he is a good baby doesn’t cry a lot. But maybe that’s all changed it’s been a while since I have seen him….”</p><p>I hate this. We can’t go any length of time without having some kind of sadness leak into our moments. Our new moments.</p><p>“Carmen, um I don’t want to say this, I don’t want to upset you, but Jimmie told me …. He uh told me my new assignment.”</p><p>“What do you mean your assignment I thought we are a team?”</p><p>“Yeah well ….”</p><p>“Just spit it out…”</p><p>“He wants me to go to Mexico and win The Baja 1000.”</p><p>“The Baja 1000?”</p><p>“Yeah it’s hard to do cause there are a lot of things that can go wrong ..........anyhow he wants me to win and meet up with Roxy….and get real with her so they can bust up her shit.”</p><p>“He wants you to fuck her?”</p><p>“Among other things….”</p><p>“I see........You like this woman. You want this woman is this even gonna be hard for you to do?”</p><p>“Don’t start that shit Carmen............ I don’t want to do this but they kind of have us boxed in. You’re the only woman I want. I hate that chic; she is a fucking psycho. It’s the job and then we are free.”</p><p>“I see. So how do I fit into all of this?”</p><p>“I am not sure. You are probably gonna be back up.”</p><p>What happens is fast and heavy. So very heavy. That darkness that was Carmen, the idea I believed, that she was not the old Carmen like she got me use to saying, she was new and feral, and possessive. She is taking my clothes, and that crush of her on me as I lay back enjoying the ride. The words she is saying about us, the way we are now. It’s slow the way she moves taunting me my words coming back to me. She says….</p><p>“Every time you fuck her, I will feel it, every time she makes you makes you come, you will remember this place right here.” And she moves inside me my eyes bunched up, my fingers clawing the carpet. Her mouth on my throat, in my hair, nails scraping my scalp, lips hot on my ear, “Don’t fuck her and not think me, don’t. I will be watching waiting……for you to come home…. let it out tell me…”</p><p>“I…. I…don…don’t want….want…I don’t want to be….ahhhhh…..god…I CarmenCarmenCarmen……”</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>Shane is sleeping soundly, her arms wrapped tight around me in a sort of death grip. It was almost like she was afraid to let go of me. I wondered about us some more. I wondered when we were going to be free of this world, when we would have a happy conversation, when we would see my son? I know if I get up out of the death grip of Shane, well she will get up and want to talk and try to read my mind and we would fight about it and fuck some more and the fucking is fine it’s great, there are men and women all over the world who won’t ever come the way I do when Shane does the thing…..but I don’t want it now….. I just want her not to read my every movement like a panther, I want to not look into those soulful eyes, to not feel the pout, you see what I mean, I can’t think around her.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>What the fuck was I saying anyway? Oh yeah, the death grip if I could get out of and see the photos of that cute little boy that has my blood coursing in his little veins, maybe I could feel something other than this. It was her fault, the real Carmen and her fucking sense of honor, she was taking it all again…..think about that, think about how it would feel to hate yourself and not be yourself, how every time you pass a mirror you want to shoot it……</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Meeting him…. a person with no previous experience of me or the real Carmen…. what would that be like? Can I complain about it forever? Yes, I can. Should I? No, I should not. It’s a complicated situation. I’m a complicated situation. And most of the time I feel fine. Then I get used to it, this life my new life, and then I get a reminder that I am not me, that Shane is not mine and those pictures of that little boy…. that’s all they are. Can’t look at them, can’t feel anything that is mine. And I bury it so far deep…. but Shane she knows. I can’t keep anything from her. I don’t know how. And it’s not like I have any secrets. It’s not like I have anything that is mine.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>When Shane told me about the Baja 1000, about what she has to do, my blood froze in my veins, Shane and her hands and her mouth with someone not me, real or not. Shane charming, shooting, eating, drinking, dancing, fucking laughing…. all with someone not me. It was a real wake up call, the message sent delivered. The idea of not being with Shane, of Shane with her, this bitch that kept me from any sense of normal, to be honest I could have shot Shane myself just so she wouldn’t have to go…….</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Hey….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“What?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You’re thinking again, stop it…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Shane, why are you always in my skull like that telling me what to do? I was having a personal monologue ….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>‘Look I’m sorry but I can’t help that you sorta talk to yourself like I can’t hear you.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Liar…. tell me something you never told her….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Like what?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I don’t know; tell me about the third grade…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Do you really wanna know, or do you wanna know because she didn’t know?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Shane do you always answer a question with a question?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Actually yeah, it’s an ongoing thing with me….so you wanna know or do you wanna one up her….?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Both….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Well at least you are being honest let me see ….….In the third grade I transferred to a new school in Fort Worth…..My mom she was the school nurse so she figured she could keep an eye on me….She was done working in the E.R. and wanted a 9 to 5….So I got plucked out of my school where everyone knew me and I went to this snobby upscale school and…..the first day I was there I got into a fight and broke this kid’s nose…..which I still feel bad about to this day…..We actually became friends at the end of the year….Carlos……yeah his name was Carlos…..”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I look at Shane death grip loosened…. she looked sad….</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Ah baby…. you where young….kids do mean things like that…..”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah I know but I hurt this kid….made him bleed cause he…what scratched  my hand with a pencil?….No it was cause my dad and my mom woke me up fighting, not yelling but throwing down….they took it outside but I could see from the window….Saw her crying, saw him crying…saw him shove her head against the light pole outside our house….I was a pissed off kid Carm….and I took it out on him…on anyone who looked at me wrong….I was a maniac…I wanted to hurt them so bad so they felt like me….you know…I would hire myself out just for a bag of candy….I had a rule though, I wouldn’t beat up normal kids…..just the ones who thought they were better…..”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“And your mom…. how did she take it…?’</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“She was nonchalant about it…. but my dad he was proud of me….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Come here…. look…. I can’t keep saying I’m sorry to you….I really wanted to know something about you…..something other than this….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>This was my hand on her breast, in her hair, my mouth on her mouth…the light fading as it gets hotter and we lose track of time….</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>When I wake up Shane is gone. The light in the room making my eyes hurt. Throwing the sheets off me as I wander into the bathroom to try to wake up. the water hot the way I like it, the soap on my skin washing everything we did early this morning off of me. Shane and her story of the third grade still clinging to me. There was so much sadness in her life, so much violence, she refused to let it crush her though, it’s love the thing I feel for her. Sometimes when she talks to me, I can’t hear anything she is saying. My mind trailing off, my brain smiling in my skull, my blood flooding in my heart. Parts of me feeling like they are on fire, and fear like death chasing, knowing that at any moment she will be gone, and again that idea that I will be alone, a vagrant soul drifting in time with no shape, no form, no memory and no life.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Looking into those pools of green, swimming in them feeling all the love in the world. Nothing stopping me now…. nothing keeping us from our life but our mission. Of course, I say this all out loud, the tiles my witness to my fears. And fear is the mind killer; it’s also the name of one of Shane’s CD’s by a band called Fear Factory. Fear is the mind killer; it’s the thing that destroys us all.</p><p> </p><p>And no black light freak out when she told me what she had to do. And to reiterate I wanted to get so upset by it really, I did, but somewhere in me I knew she would only do a filthy thing like that for me. And it’s filthy, her with that statuesque woman and her demented brother loving self.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Some thoughts about round and round. Some thought about missing my old existence.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Shane knocks on the glass door of the shower snapping me out of my miserable life thoughts. Her weak smile telling me that she knew where my mind traveled while she was gone. Her clothes flying off tight smooth flesh marred by the wildlife she had or has. I turn the water a little colder, so I don’t have to hear her bitch and moan about how hot the water is.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Where did you go, you weren’t here when I got up?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I went for a walk figured you wanted some time for you….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>It makes me mad cause she knew I wanted to be alone…..It was like that fucking movie she always makes me watch….The guy he meets the Oracle or some such shit….and it’s mumbo jumbo about what he wants or doesn’t want to do….he knows that the Oracle already knows everything he will or won’t do…and it just feels like he has no choice, that it’s already being made for him….long winded but that’s life with her….No matter what she always knows what I’m thinking…..</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You are the most beautiful thing in the world….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>And then she says things like that, and I can’t remember what I was complaining about…</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Tell me more.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I love it when you call me baby………. I love it when you scratch my neck when I go down on you…… I love it when your jealousy flows out of you like acid……… I love…. secretly…. I love that you are…..that you….don’t remember anything….it’s wrong I know…but the challenge of getting you to love me….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>It hits me like ten tons of bricks…. her words…. My fist it reacted on its own I swear…Her head tilted to the right, her hand smoothing away the pain…</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You see that right there…. I love that about you….you……are not her….but you are…..”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Why are you doing this? Why are you saying these things to me….? Why….?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Carmen…. it’s just the way I feel……does it bother you? Does it upset you that I believe now the way you do?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I…. I ...”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I thought this is what you wanted….?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Your twisting it again…making me all confused…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“No I am telling you the truth…..I am telling that it doesn’t matter to me….I am telling you that I love you……That I will do anything for you……”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I…. I …..”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Carmen…. look at me…. really look at me….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>So, I look at her. And the water running is the only sound you hear. I look at her caught up in what new commitment she was trying to get from me. Cause that all it was. Was I wrong when I said she would read my mind and then we would fight and any second now…? fucking…. this love….she doesn’t move. And I am burning…. dying to feel her on me…..</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You’re turning me into someone else…….’</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Shane please….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Our lips meet and its lava, it ebbs and flows. It leaves charred remains, my back against the tiles, her fingers snaking their way in, split in two is how I feel, happy that she was understating the new me….and fucking pissed. My back is slamming into the tiles, thud, thud, thud. Unfamiliar, unremorseful, my hands slick on the tiled wall, finally dragging down or slipping, contact broken then fixed the hard bathtub bottom taking the abuse from us, my fingers …..had to concentrate…wanted….wanted to fuck her….hot…..she is hot….and our lips meet….and she is so there already….she stops and I stop….and we look and she kisses me so soft barley a whisper….but it’s all…a lie…and we know it…we feel it too much….it’s too strong or we are too weak…for each other…..and we start it…..her forehead on mine noses touching, heading in that direction….car crash….intersection….we scream and shout…..</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Time passes the water still running, smooth her lips on mine, that grinding pulsing tribal love tempo dying out slowly…. Shane’s mouth on my ear…she is saying something……….</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“It’s not who you where……it’s who you are….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Shane………. Fuck……. I love you……..”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I love you more…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Two months later….</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You have to get out there…. she needs help!”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“We can’t risk it…. she just has to finish…..”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Fuck you…she could be dead! We have to do something!”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Carmen you have to get yourself under control……”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Look Jeff either you go out there and look for Shane or I will….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Jeff talks into his earpiece getting orders from the mother ship…. this is so not happening…</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“She is lost in the silk….so you have to use the infrared to find her body heat signature…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Like I’d need help finding Shane’s body heat….</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You’re changing your tune now that papa bear gave you his ok?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Carmen it’s a job ok…and I may not be fucking Shane nonstop, but she is a friend of mine….so chill out already….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Well shit Jeff didn’t know you had a pair….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“………Shane is so right about you….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“What!’</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Nothing………. Look go get suited up……”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>So Shane entered the Baja 1000…..and everything was going smooth…too smooth….Sometime around midnight we lost contact with her…and the eye in the sky had a problem with a rutter and we lost her…..she could be dead….and that fear I have….it could be coming true……</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Two months ago, …</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>My jaw is kinda sore…and I feel kinda bad about telling Carmen that I enjoyed her inability to recall her life. It was a seriously fucked up thing to say to her. Maybe she didn’t have to clock me, but I get why. Our thing….the thing that was us, the thing that was love is love, well it got all outta whack because of these walls surrounding us, boxing us in keeping us on pins and needles….and the needles are sharp and jagged.</p><p> </p><p>The water was hot but not as hot as she liked it. I know it’s for me. When she looks at me, I can see plain as day how angry she is with me. I get up off her and walk out of the shower to get dried off. She turns the water off completely and I hand her a fluffy white towel.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Carmen….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“What….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I don’t know…I …”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“………. are we too much…?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I don’t know what you mean?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I mean are we like gasoline and fire?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>‘Maybe….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“What now?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Maybe I should go…you know get away from you…. get you away from me?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Is that what you want Shane?’</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I guess the real question is, I …. guess…is that what you want?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I want to know what’s going on with you…. I want to know…why you said that to me…...”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I said it cause it’s how I feel…..I don’t want to sound like a asshole or anything but….you not remembering …it doesn’t only effect you….it affected me…and ….I ….I …wonder if you care at all….if I am just a fuck toy for you….and it fucks me up knowing we will never be the way we were and at the same time I am falling hard for you….you right now.  Maybe it’s not right, maybe I am taking advantage of your body and your soul….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Your trying to push me…away?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“No…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Yes, you are…you are trying make me hate you…and you have been doing it for a while…. why?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Because you should hate me…. you shouldn’t want to have anything to do with me.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“This is because of her right?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Carmen you are her…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah but I am not you just said so in there…remember Shane maybe not 10 minutes ago? You said I was her but I am not….you said it….’</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>‘Yeah…I did………and it’s my fault that you are this way…..I should have killed Havoc …..I should have not listened to your crazy plan of drawing him out….I should have never let you get in….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“So, it’s your fault that that guy shot me? It’s your fault that she fell in love with you? It’s your fault that you are the only thing I remember the only person I can deal with, the woman I love…. that’s your fault? You’re taking a lot of blame for other people’s choices….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“That’s not the point….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“So, what is the point? What are you really trying to say?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I don’t know Carmen I don’t know…. I don’t deserve to get a second chance…with you….I fucked up…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“And from what you tell me she fucked up just as much….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>This girl, this woman really is smart and beautiful and foreign , and I love her…..I shouldn’t…….and she shouldn’t love me….we keep going round and round on this….maybe we are making it worse….she tries to communicate something to me and it goes wrong, I try to communicate something to her and it goes worse….</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“What is it that you want from me Shane…. you want some kind of absolute from me that I love you…apparently my honest words are not enough for you….?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You only tell me you love me after I fuck your brains out…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You know something Shane…you sound like a bitch…. a whiney crying bitch…and it doesn’t seem like you.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Well that stung worse than her punching me….</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“And that’s it right there, that is my point…. you are turning me into someone else….you are making me feel all out of control…making me feel like I have no choice ….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“No choice in what?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Forget it Carm…. forget it….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I turn and walk out of the bathroom and I hear her heavy wet footsteps charging after me….</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Well Shane I got a little character profile for you….since the moment I met you…we fucked like it was the end of the world….So you tell me how much you love me….me the person as opposed to this….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>She takes her towel off and her body is wet glistening …. If I wanted I count the drops still clinging to her…</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Don’t give me that you don’t know me…cry baby shit…when all I am is a fuck toy to you!….You don’t love me…you don’t know me…I don’t know me….all you want is this….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>She takes my hand and cups it on her breast…this was going to end the way all of our arguments ended…</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“…. That first night in the hospital you said it wasn’t just my body….remember that?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah…’</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“And what happened after….?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You don’t remember?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I do….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Well Carmen if memory serves me right, we slept…. just sleep….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“No…we fucked….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“No that was the next morning…that first night I slept on your stomach the way I use to….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>My hand still on her breast…. I could feel her getting warm under my touch…I could feel the spike of her nipple, her breath matching mine…</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Oh god…your right….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Carmen…..I can’t help it if we can’t do anything but this….but I love your mind, your hot fucking salacious body, your dark eyes that burn into my soul…..and yeah we don’t know anything about the way we are….but I am trying…..and I am failing….and this fucking job…god this fucking job isn’t making anything easier…..”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I am sorry I hit you…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“It’s ok….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“No, it’s not…. I just reacted….I reacted badly….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You have been edgy since you woke up…. I have scratch marks all over me…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You’re kind of a masochist….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Only for you….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“No more talk about love….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I agree….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“And maybe we should stop this…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>She let’s go of my hand…but I don’t let go of her breast…</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Carmen …. We need to do this……if we don’t we will never get anything done….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Shane…. we….mmmmm…stop that…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Stop what?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“That, your thumb…stop…you can’t have it both ways….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You’re right…. but you tell me honest and true….is there any doubt in your mind about being with me?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“No doubt at all…. Shane you are the only person I trust, the only person who makes me feel like one day I can be normal….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Carmen, you don’t know anyone else…it’s just been me and you….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Shane….I can have anyone one I want….I’ve seen the looks from people…woman and men a like…..I get it everywhere….and I don’t want them I want you….I guess the real question is still you…..are you trying to push me away for other reasons?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You mean Roxy, no this is not about her…..I really don’t like her….I mean I knew Roxy before I met the old Carmen…and I still didn’t want her….she is hot…very hot…but she is crazy…and she fucks her brother and that’s just plain nasty and wrong….and a huge turn off…….I want you, from the moment we met, the moment I thought you died, the year I spent away from you grieving trying to find ways to kill myself just in the hope I would see you again……you are it for me…the beginning and the end…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You know Shane we need a vacation…. just you and me….we need to get away from all of this…and get to know who we are right now….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I couldn’t agree more…. maybe we can talk to Jimmie and get him to give us some time off before we finish this shit with The Moon Lights…”</p><p> </p><p>“He will most likely send a handler to follow us around, so we don’t jump ship."</p><p> </p><p> *</p><p> </p><p>Two months later….</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Three days before the Baja 1000 and I can’t sleep. I can’t eat, I can’t focus. I won’t be able to see Carmen for however long this thing with Roxy takes and it’s starting to hit me. What if I die? What if she dies and we are apart? I can’t take it…so I can’t sleep. The dreams are back, my surreal dreams about the future. They are taunting me. Giving me false hope and false security.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The dream I had that woke me up from the little sleep I was getting, it was of Carmen and me and Marco….and we are taking him to school….he is starting the third grade…and he is mad at Carmen for not letting him play his video games before school…..his little hand hot in mine as I walk him up the steps…..his teacher is Roxy….and she tells me that he will be her prized pupil….that she will teach him anything he wants to learn…and I turn around and see Carmen walking away with Sergio….then I wake up…</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>After that dream I really stopped sleeping.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>About a week ago Carmen and I and Jeff went down to Ensenada to sign up for the race. I was entered in and decided in the end to race in the motorcycle class, there are several classes to race in, but bikes are my specialty.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Carmen was really quiet while we were in Ensenada….I asked her why and she said she sort of remembered being here…with Havoc….which explained something to me…Havoc must have been here to enter the race…or to scout Dominguez to replace him back home…maybe even other stuff that only she can remember but of course she couldn’t. I told her not to stress it…it was her old life and it didn’t matter now… she couldn’t remember anything tangible anyway…</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Jimmie never gave us our vacation said we had a small window of time to get ready for the 1000 and reminded us we were out if we completed our task. Carmen was mad, really mad. but she got over it.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>So, it was the last night before the 1000 and we went out to dinner just Carmen and me. We didn’t talk much during dinner, she was sad. She just stared off into nothing…her face was unreadable to me other than her sadness and I really didn’t know for once what was going around in her mind. Jeff called during dinner to let me know all the mods where made to the bike as per my specifications….that the pit crew was ready and that there would be an eye in the sky to watch me….he wished me luck and warned me about the booby traps that where often set for the racers….and to not get lost in the silk…I told him he could remind me in the morning that I needed to go.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>She paid and we left to go back to our room.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The lights were off; the air was on cause of how hot it is in Ensenada. I was looking out of the window at the desert. It hit me that I could not escape deserts, that one thing I did still haunting me to this day. Maybe I was going to have to die in the desert to even things out for my karma……….</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Carmen was asking me if I was ok….</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Hey you ok? Where did you go?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I was just thinking why the desert why it is always the desert?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Shane…I don’t know…maybe it’s just the way things are maybe a part of you is still there….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Carmen I can’t do this if I have to worry about you….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Ah baby it’s you I am worried about, me I’m just back up…it’s you that….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I don’t let her finish. I grab and pull her toward me. I go for her throat first, my tongue licking all that salty tangy sweat that was hers…. her hands on my face pulling me up to meet her eyes…she is afraid for me. She backs away a little when I try to kiss her, afraid that this is probably the last time.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>She takes my hand and places near her heart. She tells me that I have her heart. She kisses me slow, languid…we fall on the bed her  hair clinging to her face, she smoothes my hair from my eyes…the way she looks at me….all the trouble that we are in...it melts away.  We kiss for hours just building to that perfect moment…when she feels me when I feel her, her hands are magic her mouth biting my shoulder, I need to taste her one more time…I know she wants it fast, I know she likes it rough but I don’t think she minds when kiss her thighs when I lick her, those hands on my head guiding to the place that shuts out the world, then one then two fingers in her and like a rubber band she snaps…and it’s all understood….</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>* </p><p> </p><p>It’s the day of the race.</p><p> I left Carmen warm and soft in our hotel room. She wasn’t on duty till noon and I didn’t see the point in saying goodbye. I met up with Jeff and got my gear, water, radio in my helmet checked out ok, my bike was ready to go. It was one of those Honda dirt bikes there was a backup on the truck just in case. We mapped out our pit times, short cuts and we figured we had 12 hours to chart the desert and finish. The 1000 wasn’t about winning or losing it was about finishing. But the incentive was there, win and get their undivided attention; loose and this keeps going. So, I wanted to win.</p><p>I didn’t think about Carmen as I got on my bike. I didn’t think about Carmen when I put my helmet on, when I tested the water flow, when I checked my radio. When the starter pistol clicked in place and we got the green to go, she didn’t enter into my head. When four hours into the race and I cut across the sand dunes into the beach area, when I  looked back and realized that my competition was out of my site, when the darkness came and moon shone big and bright, when Jeff checked in with my lap times, when I crossed the first of 5 check points, when the spectators seemingly jumped out of nowhere, when the roads split and I made my own choice to go neither left nor right but instead straight cause Jeff didn’t get back to me fast enough, I still didn’t think of Carmen. I couldn’t.</p><p>I had a race to win.</p><p>When I noticed the hole in the road, the craters really, when the silk, which is just fine smooth sand more like dust, when I entered the silk and it flooded my vision, got under my helmet into my nose, my eyes. I didn’t think of her.</p><p>It’s when I rode over a ramp hidden in the silk, when my world flipped from right under me, when I saw myself briefly upside down or maybe the world was right side up, and I landed hard on the rocks, and I got hit with the back end of my bike when I noticed my shoulder popped right out of its socket and the world was quiet and blood from some unknown wound got into my eyes and the darkens came……that’s when I thought of her…</p><p>These voices are calling out to me from a faraway place. There are flashlights and I hear an engine and it’s purring. I want to see but the flashlights are blinding me. Someone takes off my helmet slowly; I feel one of those neck braces being put on. A voice is yelling for them to be careful, to be gentle, and not to hurt me. I see another light even farther back, as I am put in this truck or van…. it’s a lone figure….”</p><p>“Carmen….”</p><p>“No Shane, Roxy …. don’t worry I’ll take good care of you...</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>2 days later……</p><p>Another white room, another empty bed another hurt to my shoulder, another moment of doubt. Of not knowing where I am, white sheets that bug netting around the bed, my hair messed and, in my eyes, another day of the sun shining too bright and too cruel in my eyes. I get up fast and the world blurs and spins and I fight it the feel but it’s too much and I fall stumbling to the ground. This was all too familiar, scary and familiar….</p><p>Carmen. Where was Carmen? Where am I? Ok. Stop. Think. My shoulder I dislocated my shoulder. And it hurts just as much as getting shot. Yeah, this sling here kinda gives it away idiot. The pain man the pain, it was a dragging feeling and it felt heavy and …. wait…. I got wiped out in the race. Yeah. My head, I have a new set of stitches….my face it hurts…mirror I need a mirror. Ok slow, easy…. walk to the bathroom…ok one step two step three step…whoa….</p><p>“Hey sexy…. how are we feeling?”</p><p>“Roxy!”</p><p>“Shane.”</p><p>“What the fuck?”</p><p>“I saved you hun…you got hurt and I saved you…. you could have died…aren’t you grateful….”</p><p>“What happened?”</p><p>“You got caught in the silk more like I caught you in the silk...you hurt yourself. I was watching and I saved you…. you have been very active Shane…you wanted my attention now you got it…”</p><p>“My head…why do I feel so…?”</p><p>“Well you kept yelling in your sleep about Carmen ….and being in pain…so we knocked you out for a while…. still hung up on the fed…. sad”</p><p>“How do you know about her…?”</p><p>“Come on Shane…I know everything….”</p><p>“How’s your brother?”</p><p>“Sergio is great…why did you kill Achilles? Why this sudden interest in me? The last time I saw you…you stole my favorite motorcycle and hurt my teeth….”</p><p>“Don’t forget outrunning your lackeys …as for Achilles…. I didn’t kill him he ran into a wall going 110…”</p><p>“Yes, and the train thing…I was told you jumped over a train…. off an overpass…. all on a motorcycle…..Where is Bela…?”</p><p>“Bela got busted…not my fault….”</p><p>“It’s funny how all this of this happened….New York, Malaysia….You know Shane if didn’t like you so much, if I didn’t like the way you move, the way you fucked me and hit me and made me bleed well…..you can’t blame me for being curious as to how and why you  managed all of this….and more importantly the why….you made it very clear when you ran from me that you wanted nothing to do with me and the power I could have shared with you…..”</p><p>“Well what do you want me to say….…?”</p><p>“Who are you working for? If you tell me now…. I promise not to hurt your beautiful face…”</p><p>“I am not working for anyone….I was looking for you….I want in…..my life….hasn’t turned out the way I wanted….My crew is gone, my boys in Slayer X most of them are dead…and….she is dead …..I want to be a part of something that will kill me quick so I can see her….you have to understand that…….it was the easiest way I could think to get your attention…take out your lackeys and show you what you’re really missing….”</p><p>“So, you want to die?”</p><p>“Oh yeah…I want to die really bad…but I can’t do it myself…. I need to see her…you know how that feels…”</p><p>“You have this whole new dimension  to you Shane…it makes my pussy hurt just thinking about all the terrible things we can do together…I can help you….but you have to prove your loyalty…your story it’s sexy as hell….a death wish…to meet a lover how fanciful, what bravery you have…..sure you heal up….and prove it and I will help you self-destruct….I love to watch human beings fall apart…..now go…get some rest…you’ll need it….”</p><p>  She doesn’t trust me. Good.</p><p>Roxy left me alone for a few hours. I had this earpiece and it was time to use it.</p><p>‘This is Sunspots…. anybody out there…?’</p><p>I hear a pop and crackle and then Carmen’s angry voice….</p><p>“Yes, go this is Tiburon….”</p><p>“Hey….”</p><p>“Are you ok you didn’t look good when I saw you…?”</p><p>“Yeah I dislocated my shoulder…Roxy and her people they took care of it….”</p><p>“I saw her….”</p><p>“Hey, I am ok…. I got some sexy new scars for you….”</p><p>“Be safe…. we have you on satellite…. I ….”</p><p>‘I know …”</p><p>I hear the pop then nothing….</p><p>I feel like a prisoner…. I can’t leave my room and the only contact I have is with the warden and her brother and my doc… My doc who won’t let me drink but has this magic bottle of blue and red pills that makes the time here in this place seem like it’s split in two…..I had two weeks more to go with my shoulder then it was on to jumping thru hoops for The Moon Lights….there has been a lot of traffic in the house. I hear movement seemingly every three or four minutes…. I wonder what is going on?</p><p>“How are we feeling today kitten….?”</p><p>“Don’t call me that…”</p><p>“Ah Shane, your skin is as soft as a kitten…wouldn’t you agree Sergio?”</p><p>“Yes indeed, how I missed this one…darling you simply have the most exquisite taste…”</p><p>“When can I get out of this room?”</p><p>“How about tonight…we are having a costumed party….a ball really to celebrate….well it’s not for you to know as of yet….here we have selected your costume…there are parts of you we want to explore visually….” Sergio says.</p><p>It was a tight white …. dress and a blonde wig……if I didn’t know better I would say its Sharon Stone’s look in Basic Instinct….</p><p>“You have got to be kidding me right…you can’t expect me to wear……. this….”</p><p>“Well it’s this or nothing and although it would most certainly be…. inviting, we do have guests and appearances must be kept….” Roxy says.</p><p>They leave and I stare down at the dress…. this is getting fucking stupid. I take the dress and wig and walk into the bathroom to get ready. When I am done I had to laugh Carmen would find this to be so amusing….I don’t know why but I feel a bizarre sense of déjà vu……I take more of the magic pills in the jar…my dull pulling ache slowly fading away.</p><p>I walk out of the bathroom and a guard with a very big machine gun says to follow him, so I do…. I make notes in my head to all the possible exits…take note of the route we take to get to the main hall. There where people floating around here and there. The music soft and airy as we walk into the ballroom. The guard tells me to have fun….</p><p>My eyes wander the ballroom. People in vary stages of undress and drunkenness. I wanted that burn, that blur, I wanted to see her so bad so much…already we have been apart for a short time and I was ready to kill. It’s so bad that I can’t be away from her…I had to focus.</p><p>Eyes drifting over the spaces that dress of Miss Stone revealed.  There where ice sculptures standing at least ten feet high near the bar. I drifted over to it but some invisible cord pulled me away…Dark eyes so familiar in the dim light…just a glimpse……The music, soft violins some kind of young opera guy singing so high and soft yes soft…it was haunting, beautiful. I try to find the eyes knowing in my burning soul that they are hers…maybe it’s the drugs that they got me on making everything familiar and true….</p><p>I see Roxy and Sergio and they nod their approval. Thank god I didn’t need my arm in the sling otherwise I’d look more stupid than I already do.  This wig was making my head itch. I try to grab a glass of champagne from guy who looks a lot like Jeff….no that is Jeff….</p><p>Why is Jeff here?</p><p>“Fuck are you doing here…?”</p><p>“Blending in…love that dress…nice legs….”</p><p>“Funny….’</p><p>‘Gotta go, stay frosty…”</p><p>“Jeff wait….”</p><p>He’s gone before I can ask about Carmen…. all of this I should mention happens in SLP mode.</p><p>I wander around…looking for a reason as to why I was here. I didn’t recognize any of these people. They all looked rich and …. There is a woman in a suit…her red hears not matching her tan complexion…. she has a badge on her lapel it says F.B.I. If I didn’t know better, I would think someone is dressed like Scully from the X-files movie…. that walk…shit….</p><p>“You shouldn’t be here ….” There are two Carmen’s the drugs they have me on making her and her twin grin back at me.</p><p>“…. My god you look hot….” It sounds hollow when she speaks like she is in a very long hallway…reverb yeah, it’s called reverb.</p><p>“What are you doing here…. don’t you think this is a little close….?”</p><p>“Come on Shane…. we are working undercover…. just testing the security around here….it was Jeff’s idea….”</p><p>“No, I don’t think so…I think this is your idea….”</p><p>Carmen is dressed like Scully a F.B.I agent……. you get it right…she is funny and gutsy I had to give her that…</p><p>“Carmen it’s not safe here for you….”</p><p>“I missed you; I was worried I don’t give a fuck about safe…”</p><p>We hold our stare so long…my breath, and her breath was so loud to me, but no one noticed how we just stood there panting at each other like animals. She kisses me in the ballroom, we spin it seems and kiss and her hands are riding high on me inching along. I could feel Roxy swirling around wondering who Scully really is...Carmen drags me deep into the throng of people. This is so totally gonna get us killed. We kiss and kiss and kiss some more. I feel a tap on my shoulder and it’s Sergio.</p><p>“My sister is quite jealous of your friend.”</p><p>Sergio was dressed like Brad Pitt in that movie Troy…. something tells me he had a strange sense of humor as well.</p><p>“Sergio this is Dana Scully…”</p><p>“Very clever costume my dear…Shane may I borrow her for a moment she is exquisite….”</p><p>Carmen looks like she wants to puke all over Sergio. And I wanted to cut his hands off for touching her. This case was fast approaching the point of no return. Carmen shouldn’t be here; I shouldn’t be stuck wearing this fucking stupid costume and any minute Roxy was gonna realize that Scully was Carmen…what fucking else could go wrong?</p><p>It’s slow motion when he takes her hand, his hand on the small of her back kinda like Mulder use to do on the show. He laughs at some joke that she makes. And I stand with a cigarette hanging jealously on my lip. She smiles so bright at every stupid thing that came out of his mouth….my blood was running hot with the want to smash his head in….she came here to see me and this sisterfucker was making it all a waste of time. Time is all I have with Carmen and he is taking it from me second by second.</p><p>Then something wicked happens….</p><p> Armed gunmen are dropping in from the glass ceiling and shooting everyone. I look around for Carmen and I don’t see her. I see Roxy hiding under a table and run over and grab her arm and drag her out of the ballroom she is screaming about Sergio and I have to smack her to get her to tell me the fastest way out of this fucking place. She comes to and leads me to secret passageway in the wall. I thought that only happened in bad horror movies.</p><p>We run down a dark dank hallway and wind up in a garage. There is a guy checking to make sure no one leaves this way...out of nowhere Sergio caps him and waits….no Carmen…. fuck…</p><p>Roxy runs out to greet her brother with a passionate kiss that made me ill….They get into a 360 Spider….it’s a two door and they tell me to get in the middle….I don’t want to leave but I don’t have a choice….</p><p>The earpiece pops in my ear and Carmen tells me she is ok.</p><p> One day….one day we will have a normal life I think to myself as Sergio guns the engine. The air hits us as we roar down the road…where we are going……?</p><p>*</p><p>“You wanna tell me where we are going?”</p><p>No answer from either of them.</p><p> Roxy is mad. She is blonde, tall, and tight in all the right places, and very busty, yet very lean, very tanned, freckles decorate her body. Her eyes are the palest shade of blue I have ever seen. She has blood on her from the armed gunmen aiming at her and missing. Her face is a mask, her beauty is truly something to behold, but underneath, the veins pump blood, the cells they divide, her muscles they react, you could see the inner workings of her mind, she was very pissed off. And knowing her someone was gonna pay, but who?</p><p>Neither one answered when I asked that question. So, it affords me some time to get to know Sergio. Sergio was the kind of guy who spent hours in the bathroom trying to find himself, he will pluck stray hairs, he will line his eyes more than I do, he will make sure everything has a place. He is blonde and his brown eyes the only masculine difference with his sister.  His body is also tight in all the right places and he stands close to 6 feet.</p><p>I should mention that Roxy is dressed like Neve Campbell in the first scream movie; she has a white sweater on and blue jeans and dried blood for the dramatic effect. The blood on her cheek it’s real. I have seen enough blood to know the difference. Sergio turned the radio on and that old Cult song “Fire Woman” is blaring as he takes these hairpin turns that seem to lead to……</p><p>“Thank you, Shane.”</p><p>“For what?”</p><p>“You saved my life…. I don’t know…my men they vanished…. things like this they don’t happen to me…….”</p><p>“It’s funny that happen to me all the time…people are always trying to kill me….”</p><p>She looks at me and for one moment maybe a second of time, Roxy looks normal….vulnerable, soft…a human being…..but those eyes they flicker and you see no specs of life…no spark…..and then I know….she simply is not here…</p><p>“So, any idea who wants you dead?”</p><p>“We have many enemies Shane…. many…” Sergio says.</p><p>I still didn’t know where the hell any of this is going or where the fuck we were going or where the fuck we are. The night is a blur as we speed down this mountain…the pills are wearing off….and the dull ache in my shoulder is fast becoming a roar.</p><p>I need Carmen.</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>That went better than we expected. The Mat Rempit proved my theory right. They showed up to exact revenge on The Moon Lights for killing the precious Achilles. They somehow got it in their heads that Shane and I were sent to Malaysia to kill him for branching out on his own. Fucking A brilliant as Jeff would say. Behavioral profiling it was what the real Carmen did before I took over. Turns out we are really good at it. And we were even better at this thing called disinformation…. a little bird chirped in the Mat Rempit minds and they ran with it.</p><p>We did a little checking around on a one Tom Revello, a.k.a Achilles. Good ole Tom was knee deep in the drug trade out there in the Far East…. He had been making lots of deals with the Triads and the Yakuza…naughty, naughty. Now making deals with one of those crime syndicates is dangerous enough, but both? The worst part was that he was making all of these side deals cutting The Moon Lights out, The Moon Lights who grew fat and lazy and little by little as their empire was splintering off, right under their coke sniffed noses. The more we delved into the case, the more we realized that Shane was in more danger of petty retaliation rather than being discovered by Roxy and her smelly brother.</p><p>As for Shane…. I found I got a lot more done without her swimming all around me. She was a mist of lust or something. Once I got over seeing that woman’s hands smoothing away her pain the desert, I had no choice but to get to work…and there you had it. I wonder if Shane knows that she is no longer in Mexico.</p><p>They moved her by plane to Quebec and they have been here ever since. They have this castle in Ste. Foy…its nice, very medieval. There are only two ways up to the castle and we had both covered yet, somehow Shane was nowhere to be found neither where Roxy nor her sisterfucking brother. I chirped in Shane’s ear to let her I know I was ok but that was against the rules.</p><p>We can’t in anyway communicate anything to Shane unless she initiates it first. I couldn’t help it though. I needed to tell her I was alright. The confusion of working and thinking without her and the simple fact that I am starting to think that I missed her despite everything I got done apart from her and then worst of all, that I am afraid I won’t see her again. Her non reply letting me know that she couldn’t return the favor. So, we wait for her to signal and in her signaling we will have her back on satellite.</p><p>In the meantime, we wait and wait it could be days it could be months….</p><p> </p><p>1 month later…….</p><p> </p><p>The crowd surges to the next ring of fire. At the center of this ring stands the woman I love, the woman who I missed, who made things in me shiver and shake. Her hair longer in her eyes, the fire making her skin glow in natural light. The drums tribal in nature pumping her up making her crazed. This was the fourth and last fight of the night. If Shane wins…. she is in having proved her worth in blood to Roxy and Sergio.</p><p>Earlier that night we got the ok from Jimmie to sneak in to see if Shane was good. That she hadn’t fallen in too deep in her assignment, that she had not forgotten why she was doing all of this. It had been a month since I saw her, was I nervous? Yeah, I was.</p><p> Where we are now, South Philly a garage just a block or two away from Broad St.</p><p>I liked this city a lot, it reminded me of Shane, it was tough and dangerous and honest. And when we took up in this warehouse near the garage where the fights were being held. We got the word from Shane that she was ok and traced her to Philly. So, we waited for them to show and they did in a white limo.</p><p>Saw Shane walk out of the limo with Roxy on her arm and Sergio bringing up the rear. They moved like one Shane and Roxy. Roxy was draped all over Shane and I had to wonder if they were already fucking, if Shane was rocking her the way…. I am not getting into it……. Once they went into the garage we followed and by we, I mean Jeff and me.</p><p>Shane has these tight black jeans and no shoes or socks on; her tank top is white and has holes in it. You can see her flesh showing thru. I missed that. I missed her. I missed the way she would say goodnight to me, and we wouldn’t sleep till the sun came up. I missed the way she kissed me when the fireworks were done…. I missed her and I didn’t want to admit it.</p><p>Anyway, tight jeans, Shane standing in the middle of ring. Sergio comes over and tapes her fists, another guy comes over with a bucket of something that turns out to be a glue of some kind. Roxy then comes over to her with a bucket full of broken glass and Shane dips her glue covered fists into the broken glass while she receives a sloppy kiss from Roxy. Her opponent steps into the ring as I make my way thru the congested crowd. Jeff was making funny jokes, but I couldn’t laugh I wanted to touch Shane so bad I was losing focus just being in the same room as her. Sergio lights the ring and Shane and her opponent dance; her opponent was tall and tried to use it to her advantage, but Shane hit her with a strong uppercut, and she went down in a heap.</p><p>It was the next girl that gave Shane the problems. They fought for almost an hour, dancing around punching, Shane got caught on her cheek with an elbow and she burned her hand on the rope not wanting to get knocked out of the ring. It was surreal, the drums, the people yelling the smoke from the fire, and those two perverts taking it all in. I watched detached my every breath leaving every time she got hit, and she did get hit, knee to the stomach and Shane hit the ground, I was two steps away from pulling out my gun and shooting her opponent, but Shane, so fucking clever and tough she just grabs the chicks leg and forces her back into the rope which snaps and they wind up having to douse the lady with water to put her out.</p><p>That was close and Shane was bleeding from various scrapes on her face. Roxy ran over to her and cleaned her wounds with a wet cloth. Shane somehow finds me in the crowd her eyes on mine, she was sweaty, bloody, and had a python slowly draining what energy she had left in the form of Roxy but somehow her eyes found mine and it was electric, I can’t fully describe what it was like to see her all primal, it was the most barbaric of things to witness two people let alone women smash themselves to pieces, but no one did it better than Shane, no one was sexier or deadlier in the world to me other than her…</p><p>I couldn’t watch the next match. I went for a walk and waited for Jeff to radio that Shane made it thru and was waiting for the last combatant.</p><p>*</p><p>Three down 1 to go. And it felt better knowing Carmen was here. Knowing I was not alone in this, knowing that she had me in case I fucked up and lost she would be here to rescue me. And I needed to be rescued. The longer I stayed with them the longer I thought like them the more I had to do to please them. They wanted to watch me do everything it seems. They found girls for me just so they could watch it was like Curt and his harem all over again.</p><p>I wanted to get away from them so bad.</p><p>The fists they punch my face and it goes crunch. And rhyme and reason go out the door. And everything I say makes no sense in my head. And Carmen, fuck I need her so much. I was thinking her during the fight and it’s what got me caught, smashed in the face, caught, kicked in head caught, hands on the fire, brain on the wire caught, and experiments that no make no sense. Taking to many shots to the head. Carmen floating in all white. And the guy there in the ring, is a guy in the ring…fucking Dominguez?</p><p>“Shane, he wanted to challenge you for blowing up his vehicle.”</p><p>“Whatever Roxy….”</p><p>Carmen smiles at me and blows me a kiss, she mouths I love you and I want to run over to her so bad. It feels like forever since I just held her hand.</p><p>The motion starts again, my muscles Jell-O, my veins burning they are pumping blood so fast. The ring of fire and the flames getting higher. Dominguez spits in my face and I laugh. I don’t have to feel bad about breaking his face. I tackle him down. And my elbows do most of the work, he snarls in my ear cursing telling me he took care of all the rest of my crew, telling me they all squealed like pigs. I see the fire as he tries to set my face on fire. I slip out of his grip and light the glue on fists on fire, punch him right in the nose, his eyebrows are on fire he is screaming for help I trip him, and he falls out of the ring. Match over I win.</p><p>“You failed you know the price of failure.” Sergio says gun drawn and aimed right at Dominguez head.</p><p>“Ah Shane you did good you are a Moon Light….my word…” Roxy says.</p><p>“Come on guys she cheated….it can’t end like this.”</p><p>“It can end anyway I want it to…” Then Dominguez his world fades to black with hints of gray… They drag him away. The crowd is yelling my name. and Carmen is gone from my vision. Roxy is wiping all the blood from my face and I push her away.</p><p>“Look……. I need some time alone. I have proved to you I won’t stray… I’ll meet you back home…”</p><p>“Sure Shane…. I can’t wait…till I make you all mine”</p><p>It’s ten minutes………. then silence. The adrenaline just melting away. I look around for a bathroom where I can get all this off of me. I run my hands thru my hair and find it soaking with sweat.</p><p>The bathroom is dark the only sound you hear is the drip, drip, drip of the faucet. I head to the sink and let the cold water run as I stare at my face in the mirror. I had to take care. If I bruise this face anymore Carmen just won’t want me anymore. I put the stopper in and let the sink fill up. I dunk my head in and when I come up for air, I see Carmen staring back at me.</p><p>“They have someone on you”</p><p>“I know.”</p><p>“I didn’t leave. I just waited. Figured you would….”</p><p>I don’t let her talk. I kiss her slow cause my lip is cut. And it hurts but I don’t mind.</p><p>“ah baby …I don’t want to hurt you….”</p><p>“I hurt way more when I can’t touch you….”</p><p>She has this look on her face like she missed me. I can’t believe it. But she does. She rests her forehead on mine her hands on both sides of my face. We kiss and it’s soft her tongue gentle, our breath, our lips. It’s been a while having that taste of Carmen, that smell of Carmen, that warm feel of Carmen. was I going nuts? Was this really happening?</p><p>My face wet and cold but warming the more we touch. And we touch, fast her clothes on the floor, fast mine join hers, my mouth on one breast, hand on the other. she moans in protest; she wants my mouth on hers. Needing that connection, my ribs are bruised I think...fuck it fight thru it…you never know when you’re gonna get to touch her like this, she squirms when I twist her nipple a bit. And I feel her fingers already inside, my eyes can’t focus anyway, so I close them, and I move my hips, so she gets a better reach.</p><p>“God Carmen…fuckmefuckmefuckme…’</p><p>She laughs a little in my ear as she licks it.</p><p>“You know Shane…the bed I sleep on it squeaks and repeats in my head….and every time I do it. I only think if you…. when I slip my fingers inside and I move like this…”</p><p>“Fuck!”</p><p>“When my breath leaves me, when I can’t sleep at night cause you’re not there…I think of how hard you make me come, how fast……….”</p><p>“Carm…. Car…”</p><p>“When I saw you destroy those people…I was so wet…you move me…”</p><p>“I …. I “</p><p>“I bet you it takes forever for you to come when that woman touches you…”</p><p>“No…. No…”</p><p>“What…”</p><p>“No. I…I….Ahhh…didn’t fuck her…”</p><p>“Really?”</p><p>“God…don’t stop….”</p><p>“Sorry…I just can’t believe you haven’t fucked her…”</p><p>“Don’t wanna…. I wanna...”</p><p>“Shane, I love you…”</p><p>And I look at her eye to eye. She keeps moving inside me. I don’t break my eyes from hers till the wave hits me.</p><p>Time goes by and everything in me hurts. Maybe this is their plan to beat the shit out of and fuck me up more with pills. I don’t tell Carmen this. She lets me in on everything that’s been going on. It’s raining so hard you can hear the roar of billions of drops of water all at once.</p><p>“When do you think I can come home?”</p><p>“I don’t know Shane…. however long it takes to find out how they work….”</p><p>“But I don’t know what I am looking for…”</p><p>“I know baby…. I know, neither do we….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Her kisses are too sweet, her touch it’s too soft. I want this over so badly; I just want her to fuck me and get out of here. But she won’t, she wants the moment to last. Everything about Carmen has been one moment to the next. And I live for it I always have. It’s seems to me lately the more we are apart…it seems… I don’t even want to say it. I am afraid……… Alright, I don’t normally think about being old, or being happy but I guess I want these things with her. I want those sun lit mornings and coffee and cake; I want that warm feeling of her draped on me. I want those lips, those eyes on me. I want those moments those first moments when everything was at its best. We had just met; she had that skirt on, me I was the ultimate bad ass. I had my buddy Mark I had my life; she had her life. that first night. I just want …. stop it. Stop being such a wuss……</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Is this not doing it for you….?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>‘No Carm……. it’s not that….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Then what?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You should go…get back to Jeff…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>She looks at me serious, her eyes dark pools, a void of light. Her body never lost to how fucking beautiful, how gifted and funny, and mean and everything….</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>‘Carmen……it’s just too hard to be with and without you….my mind…I can’t make up my mind which is better….or worse…no…I just don’t wanna get too wrapped up in this moment and have it fuck things up worse, you know?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You are right…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Really?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah ….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Wait…. No…. jealous tantrums….no angry passing words…?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Nah…I know it’s you and me…. being away from you…it’s kinda helped me clear my head a little. The sooner we are done…the better off we will be.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You know something, I love you so fucking much… remember, not death, not no fucking shitty job…. nothing will keep us from getting our happy ending, we earned it….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Not yet…….…God you chicks are dramatic….” Jeff says.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Goddamnit Jeff….” Carmen yells.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“What…. you don’t have nothing I haven’t seen before…. look that guy is working the perimeter let’s go….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“It’s ok Carm…. get dressed…and….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>She kisses me before I finish……her lips…god I miss these the most. So soft, so kissable…oh so physical…. Jeff stands outside gun drawn while Carmen speed dresses. I watch her as I get a smoke from my bloody ripped up jeans. Smoke fills the dank little bathroom. She doesn’t look back when she leaves.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Hey!”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Carmen you really gotta get out of here….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I know, I know…it’s just we know who tried to kill The Moon Lights last month….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Ok….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“The Mat Rempit….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Those guys from Kuala Lumpur…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah……. Achilles was playing a lot of sides…and those where his boys…they think, they think we went over there to kill them for The Moon Lights…they could not understand why Roxy and her brother wanted you so much considering they never heard of you till the last possible minute…..use it if you can….and be careful…you look like….well you look like you got hit by a truck….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>A kiss goodbye, a lingering caress on my scraped-up face. The warm feel of her already gone from me.  My world keeps spinning round and round…. how I missed my old existence.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I call for a cab back to the hotel we are staying at. Roxy had the whole floor rented out to her traveling circus of clowns, losers, dealers and a huge suite for her and her brother. The music was so loud you could hear it on the elevator as you got closer to the floor. Chime…the elevator opens, heavy sluggish my footsteps on the soft plush carpet. I use my key open my door…and see Roxy naked on my bed.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Sooner or later I was going to have to fuck her. But not tonight.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Get out.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Is that any to talk to someone who loves you.”</p><p> </p><p>“Roxy what do you know about love?’</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I know a lot more than you think I do.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I mean it Roxy; I am really fucked up right now and I am not in the mood…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Ok Shane have it your way…. but I know you want me…I know you want this….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Roxy gets up and saunters over to me never breaking from my bored gaze. She takes two fingers and slips them inside herself, she eases them out and rubs them on my lips, it’s a force of habit and I lick my lips.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Feel better Shane…. you did so good tonight…bye…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I feel sick at the taste of her. The door closes as she walks naked back to her room. I walk over to the bar and pour myself a few shots. They burn my lips more than my throat. I throw the glasses against the wall. I was so tired of this shit. I wanted Carmen. I was going out of my head. I could just go back in that room and wax them both. But I am not a killer… not anymore anyway. I just had to find a way thru this. I had to find out how to bust up the magic show. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Time.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>All I had was time. Time on my side because I was young, time working evil in its nature a double-edged sword mocking me, young yet getting older by the minute. Time how it passes yet stands still. Time to eat, time to play, time to race time to run from Roxy because she wants to get laid. Time to walk out of a room that was about to blow up with me in it.</p><p>Time for gut feelings, I don’t ignore gut feelings…never. So, when I went to drop off the envelope for Sergio and my gut burned like battery acid, I knew I had to get the fuck out of there.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>As I made my way down those stairs that warm Philly night, I lit a smoke only a few feet from my car when the building went boom. And that sound so loud that my ears are still ringing three days later. So loud that I thought I had another concussion. Probably did. Did someone want me dead personally or was this about the war with The Mat Rempit?</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>So, I drive back in my sleek new shiny red Mustang SVT Cobra R. I had always wanted this car. It was the best of the line of Mustangs. The flames didn’t do any damage. I was grateful for my hair and my ride. I spoke with Carmen briefly to let her know what was and to get a team out there to see what happened, and who was to blame.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Her tone official, no talk of I miss you, no talk of love. Just her crisp will do and be careful and stay frosty. The sound of her voice made me want to fuck so bad I thought about just taking it out on Roxy….</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>You know what the worst part about all this is? How I am so tired of having people try to kill me.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I get back and drop the envelope in Sergio’s lap. His blank expression neither happy nor surprised to find me still among the living. Was he trying to kill me? Probably not, his sister wouldn’t like it.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“So why do you still have this in your possession?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Maybe because someone blew up the drop point.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Are you alright?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah Sergio I am good…. any ideas who is trying to kill us?” </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I knew he would like the sound of us. Personally, it made me want to gag. It never left me that they tried to kill Carmen, that they sicked Havoc on us. That they were the basic scum of the earth.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“We are working on theories…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>‘Wanna let me in on it maybe I can help?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Help with what sweetness?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Roxanne, Shane was nearly blown to pieces…. she was making a drop…wait….. I don’t get it how did you know to get out of a building that was about to blow up?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah.” Roxy says confused and dressed in white.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I don’t know I had a feeling something was not right, and I left my lighter back in my car…so I went to get it and bam…no more building. Do you think the persons who were accepting this….do you think they are responsible?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>No answer just Roxy walking toward me.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Oh, my dear are you alright?” Roxy says as she strokes me face to see if I will respond…. nothing and it was pissing her off.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, here’s you drop…. wanna tell me what’s going on….?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Should we my love?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Roxanne, she is a key member ….and she came back to us of her own will….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“We think that someone is working from within to harm us….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Ok who?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“That is what we are unsure of. Someone is playing us from within….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Pain to the tenth power when we find the fiend…” Sergio says.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Maybe I can find out….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You? How?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Roxy, I am very good at reading people…I am very good at seeing thru bullshit?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“When your woman in the F.B.I died how did you take it?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Have you ever been hit in the face with a shovel? If the answer is yes, then telling me how to not react and like right now.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I took it badly…I loved Carmen with every drop of blood in my body….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Did you know she was a F.B.I agent when you first met?” Roxy asks</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“No, I found out later…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“But you still forgave her, why?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I never said I forgave her for lying to me.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I see…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Why all this about Carmen?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Shane, I just told you that we have a vein in our organization that needs to be sutured. Trick questions often bring the most honest of answers….’</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Fine…you got my honest answer…. now you tell me…who you think is out to get us?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“We have heard from several key members that the group you came in contact in Malaysia is responsible. Seems that Achilles felt he was not getting enough of the pie and wanted to bake his own.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“So, they think that me being over there and now over here is some kind of way to get them out?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Shane you are so good at this” Sergio says.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“So, what do we do?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“We kill them all…. if it’s a war they want…then it’s a war they will get. We are beyond this form of petty thug lives. We are The Moon Lights. We are forever. We have links to…. well Shane all in due time…. your continued honorable behavior, you proof in blood, the way you saved my sister in Québec….you are a fine asset.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Sergio, can Shane and I speak privately…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Of course, my darling….” They kiss and I have to stifle down the urge to puke. This is why I won't fuck her. Cause she fucks him. And I just can’t do that to Carmen.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I watch as he walks out of the room his laptop like a baby in his hands. Knowing him how precise he is, everything I needed to know was probably on it. A plan was forming. Roxy was talking….</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Shane…you loved this woman very much so much that you nearly killed yourself to join us….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Why are we still talking about Carmen?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“It upsets you”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“What would you do if your brother was murdered, how would you take it?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I wouldn’t join him as soon as the blood left his body.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Then stop asking me about her, she is gone…and life is life.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You mistake me. I was not asking to reopen your wounds, I was asking because upon your arrival you informed me of your wish to die, to see her again…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Your point Roxy, get to it and stop the fucking fancy talk already.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“My point is we need you. If we are to survive this insurgency…and it would wound me a great deal to have you bleeding and dead to see your precious agent Carmen Morales.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>So, I was gonna have to fuck her after all. She won’t trust me if I don’t and she won’t stop hounding me about Carmen. Fuck.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Things change…I like being around you. I like the way you look naked, I like the way you smell rich and all, I like the softness, I like that I have to look up at you like some kind of sex goddess, I like these muscles that you have right here along you back.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Shane…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>‘No when we do this it’s my way…I like to touch you….I like to touch you, here…..and that moan….it makes me feel….it makes me feel like I can control you….the way you think you control me. No one and I mean no one control me. I control you. Understand. If I wanna take that candle over there and melt it on your nipples so I can hear your pain…I will. If I want to fuck you hard against that wall with three fingers…. I will. If I want to watch you fuck yourself while I smoke a cigarette …. I will. If I want to take that brush over there on that table…and beat your ass till it welts pink stripes…I will….and there is nothing you or your fucking brother can do about it…..is that understood…?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Yes…Shane. Please…”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Don’t beg…it doesn’t become you….”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I kiss her hard as I slam her into the wall. No plastic fuck toys this time around. I tear her dress, bite her nipples thru her lacy bra, lick her neck, and fuck her hard against the wall, her back slamming into the wall and her moans of pleasure, her filthy declarations of words I only want Carmen to say the only sounds you hear. When she tries to kiss me or touch me I push her away.</p><p> </p><p>* </p><p> </p><p>If only tonight I could sleep. But I can’t. I pace the floor searching for ways in my head to get out of this place. They were doing it again. Keeping me from her in their own special way. It was in the air. The particles of truth. It was in the water, liquid honesty. It was in my bones, in my skull. Messages, visions things to come. I was losing it. It happens. A person becomes so entrenched in their assignment that everything for them is a twisted rush. A way to self-destruct. A desperate way to make it all stop.</p><p>All of this is static in my head. Noise. This is some kind of punishment I realized with a zeal of an inmate. Carmen took Helena away from her mother and we have been paying for it ever since. I need a way out. This is necessary. My life is feeding on life and none of it makes sense. What can I do? How can I break this? There must be a way?</p><p>What are we doing tonight? It seems like all these two do is fuck and party and waste time.  Knowing them we were going to some party. Some lame, fake glimpse into false pleasure, ok I need to get a grip. Have to think. Have to come up with a plan. Had to think, why are we doing this?</p><p>Because some things don’t make sense. Control, our moves, like puppeteer strings. Threats of past crimes and denial of access to what was rightfully ours. I need a fucking smoke. So, I take a walk. And I feel the heat of the tail Roxy has on me. Maybe I can force it out of him? I duck a corner and the guy keeps walking. But his head broke a little to his right when he hears my boots on the pavement behind him. I crack him in the back of his head and call it in. Three minutes later me and Mr. fucking dumb ass are heading toward Carmen. I needed to see her bad ….</p><p>White building. What is it with these people and white? We pull into the garage and make the winding trip down and down. Jeff and Carmen fast in conversation stopped when they saw me step out of the green Land Rover, they sent to pick him up in.</p><p>“Sorry to interrupt you guys…….”</p><p>“Don’t be so jealous we were just talking….’</p><p>“Fuck you Jeff…………I need to talk to Carmen…”</p><p>“What crawled in your ass…yeah sure……… I’ll get him to talk…’</p><p>“Yeah like the same way you got Bela to talk…how is Bela anyway? Get anything good off him?”</p><p>“Shane…you know we can’t answer that…stop over thinking and over analyzing everything…”</p><p>Jeff was pissed at me for my irrational behavior…. Carmen was talking to me. And I didn’t hear her.</p><p>“Hey…. are you ok…?’</p><p>“No, I don’t think I am ok…. I feel weird…..like angry very angry ….”</p><p>“Hey…walk with me…. you have time right….they don’t know where you are?’</p><p>“No….”</p><p>So, we walk around downtown Philly…. the lights, it’s nice. Did I care whether or not the city was crawling with eyes? No.  We walk past Gino’s; the line was long as it is always even this late. Carmen holds my hand and I feel so good, safe not on edge. We hit one of those quiet streets; people safe in their homes, warm, wanted, not living like maniacs fighting in fire lit pits, not fucking people to keep a cover going not being separated from the one good thing in their life.</p><p>We stop and lean against a lamp post. She doesn’t speak and me I don’t know where to start.</p><p>“I can’t do this anymore Carmen. Something is breaking inside me the longer I do this.”</p><p>“Shane something is wrong?  Cause well…. something isn’t right….”</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>“There is someone else watching us…”</p><p>I look around take my gun from my waist….</p><p>“No not like that…I mean there is another organization watching us at L.L.L…”</p><p>“Who?”</p><p>“I think it’s the F.B.I.”</p><p>“The Feds?”</p><p>“Yeah….”</p><p>“How do you know this? Do they know? Does Jeff know?”</p><p>“No …….’</p><p>“Carmen…. what, what does this mean?”</p><p>“I don’t know Shane…. but if they are watching us here doing this, then…..”</p><p>“Then?”</p><p>“We must be doing something so off the beaten path…maybe, we are doing something illegal working with them…maybe they are gonna bust us too…”</p><p>“Ok your gonna have to tell me how you know this, how this, I’m just gonna let you talk ….”</p><p>“Ok so about three days ago…me and Jeff our watching your place….and I see this guy….a guy I think I remember from …well a memory I had a flash really this flash of you and me and your yelling at this guy about how you would have more respect for him if he would stop staring at my tits….So that guy right, he is sitting in a sedan with a woman, dark wavy haired… and they looked like they are watching you….waiting for you cause they are outside your place.’</p><p>‘Roxy’s place…”</p><p>“You know what I mean Shane…”</p><p>"So, you think you saw that agent from way back with Bette Porter outside Roxy’s place….”</p><p>“And at the warehouse…. that same car…three blocks up…”</p><p>“Fuck….”</p><p>“Who is Bette?”</p><p>“You used to know her; she was your girlfriend before you met Helena…. She is the assistant director of the F.B.I….”</p><p>“Fuck…”</p><p>“Carmen we have to got to get the fuck out of here…we are trapped from all directions…. we are gonna get killed or thrown in jail or worse…..”</p><p>“This Porter you know her…. can you talk to her?”</p><p>“I don’t know…. maybe….you are sure that they don’t know, Jeff and Jimmie….?”</p><p>“I am sure Jimmie, is back in L.A. and Jeff I don’t know I don’t think he knows anything.”</p><p>“Ok this is what we are gonna do……….</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Carmen went to take care of her end of the plan. I went back home to clear the air with the Moon Lights. We had things to settle. I had something they wanted to know, and I had something I wanted from them in return. One way or another this was over tonight. I see the sedan Carmen was talking about as I walk down the block. The guy was in there alright with another guy but no Porter. So, I make my way up the stairs. The guards give me the nod as I walk to Roxy’s room.</p><p>I knock she says come in. Sergio is at her feet working on his laptop. I take my gun out check the clip. They don’t pay me any mind in fast conversation about money transfers. I click the hammer back and that gets their attention.</p><p>“Sweetness…are we in trouble….’</p><p>“Don’t you fuck move….” I tell Sergio as tries to get up.</p><p>“Shane what’s going on?” Roxy asks.</p><p>“What’s going on is simple. You’re gonna tell the guys at the door to take a break, then you’re gonna listen because what I have to say…your gonna want to hear.”</p><p>So, I tell Sergio to walk over to the door and give them the message. Yeah Shane was here in case something happened no, they didn’t want any pizza. I wedge a chair under the door for extra time. There was a fire escape incase things got dicey.</p><p>“A year ago, you sent someone into Carmen’s room to kill her. I want to know why?”</p><p>“What are you talking about sweetness…?”</p><p>I walk over to Roxy and shoot Sergio in the leg. Blood and her tears…and no guards in site…</p><p>“Any minute now the F.B.I will bust in this door and arrest you for murder, drugs, and a whole other list of crimes…”</p><p>“You ungrateful….”</p><p>“Fuck you Sergio move any closer and your brains are next….”</p><p>“Why did you try to kill Carmen for?”</p><p>“What do you mean try?” Sergio says between yelps of pain.</p><p>“She is not dead….?”</p><p>“No Roxy she is not dead. So. Why. Did. You. Try. To. Kill. Her?” I ask pressing my gun harder and harder against her skull.</p><p>“Havoc failed. And I wanted you for me. So, I saw a chance and I took it. I wanted you to have nothing… I wanted you to come back to me…. but you met her and that was it….you don’t walk away from us Shane…..”</p><p>“That’s it.”</p><p>“Well what were you expecting…?”</p><p>“Have you ever heard of Landau, Lukman and Lake?”</p><p>“No…who are they?”</p><p>“They saved Carmen….and they wanted she and I to take you both out for killing her daughter.”</p><p>“And just who is this daughter?” Roxy asks.</p><p>“Helena Peabody.”</p><p>“………….. we had nothing to do with that…that was Havoc….”</p><p>“He worked for you at the time….”</p><p>“Look Shane…. what do you want….?” Sergio asks. He looks pale.</p><p>“Well…… a trade. You guys give me what I want; you get out of here before the F.B.I. shows up. you take your money, and you get out and never come back. If I smell you anywhere near me, if anything happens to Carmen or me I will hunt you down and skin you both alive. Whatever game that was being played with us it’s over. They got you, they got Bela to talk and boy did he talk…. he hasn’t stopped talking….”</p><p>The lights of the cruisers are flashing you can see them from the windows.</p><p>“Alright….” Sergio says.</p><p>“I want my money…the money I won from that race…. you fucking freaks owe me that much….”</p><p>They point to the safe in the wall. I tell them to open it. It takes 10 seconds. A life times. The money in nice stacks.</p><p>‘Keep it….”</p><p>I remove the chair from the door. And sit on the bed as Sergio hobbles out with Roxy shouldering his weight. I take the money out of the safe. And drop it all in a pillowcase and make my way down the fire escape. I see Carmen has found Bette Porter. They are waiting in the car.</p><p>“Did you get them?”</p><p>“Yeah you timed it just right Shane….”</p><p>“Thanks…”</p><p>“Hey babe….”</p><p>“Hey right back….”</p><p>“I still can’t believe she is alive.” Bette Porter says.</p><p>“Yeah me neither.”</p><p>“We still have work to do.”</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>We land in L.A. hours later. Bette Porter laying it all down. How they have been following The Moon Lights for a while. How after I left Bette’s house last year and got picked up by L.L.L.  the official link was made. How they knew Peggy Peabody was using black ops money to finance her personal revenge. How her and her husband James Peabody (Jimmie) held a federal agent hostage and used illegal wire taps, coercion and a other list of bad things all to get revenge on the Moon Lights. By keeping Carmen for over a year, not telling her of her true identity they dug themselves deeper and deeper in. the folder of charges they had for Peggy and Jimmie and Senator Stone was three feet thick it seemed.</p><p>Bette could not stop staring at Carmen.</p><p>So, we suit up and head for the offices of L.L.L. doors get kicked open the secretary looks surprised. We head up to Peggy’s office. The door is wide open. And Peggy and Jimmie are seated by the window.</p><p>“So, you did your job Ms. McCutcheon, Ms. Morales, very good….”</p><p>“You’re both under arrest…. you have the right…..”</p><p>And so, it went Jimmie didn’t look upset, neither did Peggy. They seemed like they were gonna get off. I didn’t care it was over.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>I first met Carmen 4 years ago. It was a wild night. and I knew as soon as I saw her that I was in love with her, that she would be the end of my life. To say we had ups and downs……. well that was a severe understatement. Our lives were filled with so much sadness, so much heartbreak. I lost a lot and Carmen she lost more. Somehow, somehow, we made it thru. Somehow, we are still alive. Still had all of our bones intact.</p><p>Roxy and Sergio got several life sentences in prison. Jimmie and Peggy got a slap on the wrist. The Senator is now running for president somehow twisting this all into his benefit. We don’t care. We are home.</p><p>Carmen doesn’t remember much. Just floating pieces. She can say she loves me without feeling like she is chocking on acid. Miriam and John cried for an hour when we showed up at the house. The meet went a little like this….</p><p>It was a sunny warm day in Florida. Sky was blue. Birds chirping their lovely bird songs. The tree was growing nice in John’s front lawn. The house was exactly like I remembered it. That shrimp color, those columns. My car still in the space I left it in.</p><p>“Are you nervous?”</p><p>“A little. I am gonna be a mother….”</p><p>“No Carm, you are a mother.”</p><p>“Ah baby you’re right…. god I love you. And we are gonna be good parents and we have money…we are free…. now all we have to do is live…’</p><p>So, we walk up to John’s house. No expiations I tell myself. Just go in be calm and let nature do what it will. Carmen knocks on the door and you can hear Miriam shouting for John to get the door.  The door opens and John is…well he is shocked. Then he sees me, and he looks relived. Miriam asks who is at the door, but he can’t say the words. None of us can say the words. Miriam is calling John as she walks to the doorway. She drops the dish she is holding and grabs Carmen and I in a fierce hug.</p><p>Tears oh my gods and more tears. Questions about how and why. Brief answers, and no Carmen doesn’t remember them either. Her memories just didn’t stick together she says. John and Miriam, they understand. Carmen, she isn’t upset toward them. She isn’t upset anymore really. She excepts her position in life now. And she knows that I will be here for her till I am dead.</p><p>We talk for a while Marco slept. He wanted his bottle; he was crying a little. They tell us to go give it him. So, we do. His room is just the way I left it. Sky blue walls, white trim a view of the big tree out front. His picture of me and Carmen at Coco beach on his nightstand. He has one of those race cars beds. Carmen looks at me and she is crying. But not out of sadness she is happy. Her smile is so big and full, Marco sits up looking at us wondering who they hell we were. He sees the bottle and grabs for it.</p><p>He drinks it faster than a speeding bullet. John and Miriam stand in the doorway. Me I am sitting on his bed. Carmen is kneeling on side of the bed he was sitting on. he looks at her then me, then her, then me. Then he looks at the picture. He says….</p><p>“Hi…hello…”</p><p>“Hey baby….”</p><p>He points to the picture then looks at John…</p><p>.</p><p>“Yeah kiddo…that’s your mama….and Shane….”</p><p>“Mama….”</p><p>“Oh, my baby, my baby boy…my baby…. mama is home…mama is home….” She hugs him tight.</p><p>“Hey buddy…you don’t remember me…but I took care of you when your mama was sick….”</p><p>“Ney, Ney….”</p><p>We all laugh.</p><p>John wants to talk but we are so tired. We eat some dinner put Marco to bed. Carmen read him his favorite story, which was the Fantastic Four comic books he had stacked near his bed. I lean in the doorway and watch. She seems so natural with him. And he looks happy to have the picture on his nightstand come to life. she kisses him so very soft on his head. And he smiles just a little. She leaves the nightlight on for him. I take her hand in mine and we walk down to our old room.</p><p>We close the door. She hugs me so tight.</p><p>“Hey…I am not going anywhere….”</p><p>‘Shane this is real right…we are free….?”</p><p>‘Carm we are more than free…. we are happy…. that kid loves you…”</p><p>“He loves you too…”</p><p>“Yeah I know…but I also know how important it is for you to know he loves his mom…”</p><p>She just looks at me with those beautiful eyes of hers. Happy. No more darkness. Complete I guess is the best word.</p><p>When we kiss it’s smooth, her lips mapping the ways to how she felt. Her hands hot when they touch my skin. It feels like we are on clouds we move so effortlessly. We sit on the edge of the bed. She takes my tank top off; I take her blouse off. Her hands on my breasts making me feel a little crazed, my hands on her bra removing that clasp from the front. All this beautiful flesh my eyes don’t know where to look. She pushes me down to the mattress her skin silky and hot like a furnace. We kiss the way we always have.</p><p>Like we invented it.</p><p>The days pass as they turn into nights. Bad dreams gone. Bloody savage existence, only on TV. The dreams or nightmares we both had in our own way…. they don’t matter. We walk on the beach as the sun sets. Marco in the middle, me on the right Carmen on the left.</p>
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